I've been more social in the last two weeks than I've been in a long time and that's a good thing, but man I am having the weirdest luck with men! J called (he was in Bali for a week) but he's not free until the weekend, which is when my parents arrive. I guess I won't actually see him until a month after we met! I went to coffee with P, but like with M I just didn't get that stomach butterfly-spark thing. I saw E at a party, completely unexpected, and found out that he's dating someone now! Talk about totally missing my chance - damn that sucks. At least I can stare at C at work for another two weeks before I move to the trading floor. I mean, I never get this much attention, but maddenly it's not quite working out - I guess that's just the ways it goes. At least I'm meeting people and having some fun.
I have finally spent some time playing with IPOD hacks and podcasting stuff. It's all very nifty and my IPOD now has my calender and sticky notes on it. Hopefully tomorrow morning I'll upload my first podcasts and try out that new trend. I love how digital, integrated, and multi-purpose everything is becomming.
You know what I wish would come back into fashion? Big ballroom dances with live bands. You know, like in the 40's with the full bands on stage and a singer and everyone jitterbugging or swirling around the floor... it would be such a fun change from sweaty people grinding against eachother in public (not that I don't enjoy a good night out clubbing) - I just think it would be wonderfully (wholesomely) fun to dance like they used to. There must be somewhere in NY, right?

I had a conversation last night with a friend that I've been ruminating over ever since. From this conversation has sprung a moment of clarity in which I was able to name something I have long known to be true of myself: I am an educational elitist. Some people pride themselves in their rare taste in music, others in fashion or athletic ability, I put my stock in education and learning.
The crux of the debate was over the idea of a the existence of a subset of the population that is more capable (smarter) than the average. What I am basically saying is that there is a small (small numbering in the hundred of thousands) group of people who are simply mentally more capable than the others. My friend believes my thinking to be dangerous and that it may prove to be my downfall (because in the arguement I indicated we are both in said subset).
While I fully agree that people's strengths lie in differing areas (people skills, language, music, athletics, art, math, etc) I also believe there are people whos ability is more fungible and applicable to the business of life and those people are then inherently more capable. I also know this sounds terribly un-PC and awfully arrogant. However, let me mention a parallel which I don't think people have such a problem with to illustrate my point.
When I was a freshman in high school my locker was immediately adjacent to the special education classroom. The adolescents in those classes ranged from "difficulty learning" to diagnosed mentallly defficient. As a society we readily accept and support those who are developmentally disabled. We do not expect them to be as capable and proficient at tasks and problems as the rest of the population and we are not cruel because of this. Yet, when I posture about the existence of people on the other end of the spectrum, the developmentally "superabled" I am now marginalising the average person; that hardly seems fair.
It is also important to note that no where have I indicated that people's worth is determined by their intelligence. I do not believe that smart people are entitled to more or worth more to society - I simply mean to point out that they exist as an identifiable group of people. After all, 80% of the population believes they are above average - some of them must be right.
I wonder then if the problem is not with pointing out the existance of those who are mentally gifted, but with my including myself in it? Is it arrogant or self-aware to place yourself in the intellgentsia? I am reminded of a scene in Good Will Hunting in which Will wants to remain a construction worker in place of becomming a mathematician. His friend considers this an insult and a waste.
It is wrong to expect too much of those who cannot perform as the rest of us, but is it not also insulting to pretend you are less than you are? We don't ask our Olympians and Oscar winners to say they are of average ability - we celebrate their talents and enjoy the fruits of their labour. Why then, is it such a taboo to admit that you're smart and want to use that talent in whatever way possible? Am I honestly a worse person for believe that I'm smart?

On the subway on the way home I was standing next to a missionary (I found this out because he started talking to me) who was only about 20. He's from Utah and is a member of the Church of Latter Day Saints. I have to admit that missionary work is something I will never understand. Belief in God is tough enough, but to try and convince others that their fundamental idea of the composition of the universe is wrong and that you are right because some man hundred of years ago thought he saw an angel and wrote a book? Not to mention that the more science reveals the more metaphoric the Bible has to become in order to remain plausible. I don't want to sound like I'm calling all people who believe in God deluded because that's certainly not what I think - just that to take that to an extreme that at 20 you'll move penniless across the country (or the world) to convince others you're right seems... well quite frankly it seems crazy or obsessive. Certainly irrational.
I got my wish and had a lot more work this week and it shows no sign of abating. Work feels better again and I feel a little more like myself. A little frustrated that the gym isn't showing results, but maybe eliminating the nightime apples and peanutbutter will help : ) For now I'm fairly content and at peace. It's nice. Oh, I did get word that my cousin is in the hospital though with two collasped lungs. I'm worried about her, she's so young (kindergarten age) and collapsed lungs are so painful. Roosie - get better!

Well my Dell died on Saturday morning so I've replaced it with an ibook. I am now one of those Mac converts and Apple can add a notch to their statistics. And yes, my love for my IPOD was a contributing factor. So far, I love the new laptop but maybe 24 hours (most of which was spent at the MOMA or eating brunch) is still too soon to call.
The MOMA, incidentally was much more accessible and interesting than I thought it would be. So was Turkish food.
Oh - nice little personal tidbit - a boy I met actually called me. 6 nights later, but he called. And I found out Jay's dating history. It's been an interesting weekend. Mike was in town.
I got some reading material on non-listed options (equityderivatives) so I guess this marks the very beginning of my transition. Hallelujah! The large slow wheels of the corporate beheamouth are starting to turn in my favour. After only two months of pure boredom (I'm very spoiled).
I'm watching the Oscars and I have to say - it's not exactlty engrossing this year. Maybe it's because I haven't seen all the movies but it's just not gripping. Maybe I'll just go back to watching West Wing episodes on DVD.... on my new ibook! Chad would be so proud. So would Jon Jon, but for different reasons....(that won't make sense to most of you). At least the Incredibles won and Michael Moore wasn't nominated. There is some sense of order in the world.
Hmm.. I don't have much to say really so.. later.

Wow, it's been a while. I guess I got a bit caught up in whatever I was doing. I've spent a fair amount of time at the libray lately practicing math for my GMAT's. I also decided, simply decided, that I'm going to have a more positive attitude and get my butt to the gym regularly. Got sidetracked today though and I'll get to that...

BUT, I want to mention I've started a second blog, Borderline, where I'm going to mouth off about stuff I'm reading. I imagine many of you will disagree with my opinions but that's the fun bit :)

Ok... why did I get sidetracked today? Because I met a boy! He's 22 and he's already got 4 degrees and he's studying for his fifth at Columbia. Talk about child prodigy. I sat down at Starbucks to pay a couple of bills while my laundry was in and ended up talking to him for quite a while. He even kept me company while the dryer finished my clothes. I really hope he calls... he was so easy to talk to. He also had me pegged in no time at all but I guess that's what happens when you talk to a physc PhD.

New music! I found some new music - finally! Thanks to Paul... Gem's album is really good and two tracks I found while surfing Itunes: Felix Da Housecat's "Sinnerman" remix and the Gotan Project Remix of "Whatever Lola Wants." Three others that haven't gotten old yet: Razorlight's "Golden Touch", Ghostwriter (remix) by RJD2, and Lazlo Bane's "Superman" (aka the Scrubs theme).

Yesterday and today were good days - I had busy days at work and worked longer hours again. It sounds counterintuitive but I much prefer those days - the long ones, when you're working even as everyone else is leaving. I *think* my manager will need to hand me a rotation date by next Friday because she's taking 2 weeks off and then she's in Zurich for a week so hopefully limbo will come to a close soon. Two of those waiting days will be in Pittsburgh so they will go by quickly.
I read an interesting article recently that said people have a limtied amount of self-control. It's based on some studies and apparently the part of your brain responsible for reigning in your impulses has a finite limit. As you use your self-control you deplete that store and you can reach a state where you have trouble restraining yourself because you physically lack the neurochemicals to do so. Now they don't mean this is a general right/wrong way, but in a not-following-the herd, not-eating the cookie way. Maybe that explains why so many people give in to their bad habits at night: smoking, drinking, eating, whatever. By the time you hit evening you've used up the control at work, dealing with people, going about your day to day.
I've been watching a lot of West Wing and it has caused two things: it makes me want to go into oratory again - both speaking and writing - and it makes me realise that it's too easy to just condemn our political system as failing or our President as stupid. It's easy to by cynical because that doesn't require thinking and studying. Yes, there are lots of problems and no, I won't like every piece of legislation and each decision made - but there's a lot of good there too. There are so many things going on there we don't think or read about, so many good intentions and so much in the system that is well-constructed. It's just too easy to condemn it based on one issue/speech/person. There is so much potential.
But yeah, I want to write. I just need to find something to write about. As always, I wouldn't mind studying either.
I found some foreign language classes on Saturdays, but they are $750 a term! And I bet it doesn't include the books!
For anyone that hasn't seen me lately - my hair is a different colour now :)

YAY YES WHOO HOO YEAH!
Guess who got her number one choice rotation! Guess who will be working on the trading desk - OTC baby! Yes, that's right. YAY! And not only that - they want me ASAP - as soon as my boss can let me go! I'm sad to leave my team but I'm really excited to try this new stuff.
And on top of that - I got to spend the train ride home talking to this really cute guy with these beautiful blue eyes. I thought he didn't want to talk to me - that he was avoiding me, but... those eyes.
Had a chat with my mentor and she's so easy to talk to, really more like a girlfriend and sometimes I just really need that. I miss you Swati, Jackie, Annabeth, and Penny. She is really supportive when I haev career crisis moments but she also does some of that girl talk about boys and as much as I love my guy friends, they do not want to hear me whine about the lack of interesting males in NYC.
Eh, I'm too excited about my rotation to really care about guys right now anyway! WHOO HOO!
Ok, of to bed with moi. It's getting late (I feel old when I look at my bedtime) and the train comes early!

Hey! It was a good day today - busy, quick, and I felt useful. It's completely true that people feel better when then feel they are useful, needed, and good at something. Unfortunately I was a bit snappy at people, patience was running low so I feel a bit bad about that.
Missed kickboxing today unfrotunately, but Alias end of third season was there! Woo hoo! Tomorrow I ask about my rotation and then Swati's in town for the weekend. Should be a good time, we'll have to see how Monday feels though....
22 felt so young today.

Yan's Birthday

Sophie and I out to Sushi

Went to the gym and did a kickboxing class today - it felt so good! Why am I surprised that things like sleep and excersize make me happier? It's not a new concept...
Rotation request at work is happening this Friday. Fingers crossed that she not only says yes, she had the headcount and will spend it on me, but also, please, could I come sooner rather than later? Oh - wouldn't that be loverly?
Kicking around the idea of the following as back-up plan: Hit the one year mark and realise hey! ibanking is not for me. Whatever shall I do? How about travel extensively and then return to school to major in biology before going on to grad school... yes, sounds good. I love the travel bit and I really love the lots of school bit. I am a Dorkus Majorus and I am ok with that :)
Little scattered at the moment. Been thinking about writing - real writing. The kind-you-try-to-get-published writing. It's probably the strongest artistic talent I have. I'd love to flatter myself and say that I could be a graphic designer but let's be real here. I have a sense of style, but that does not a creative force make. But writing I can do. Can I do it long enough and consistently enough for a book - that is a good question. Can I come up with something that remains interesting past 15 pages? How will I know if I don't try?
Oh - news. My roommate is moving in with her boyfriend when our lease is up. This means.... drumroll.... I need a new flatmate in June. Anyone moving to The City this summer?

A foreign friend of mine recently suggested that Amercian guys are some of the most curteous she had even met. At first I was taken aback because I have always thought them a bit rude to be quite honest. The thing is, that was then. That was high school and frat parties in college. Everyone is rude when they’re an adolescent. Being as asshole is a right of passage for guys just as being a relentless tease is for girls. Once we move beyond that stage though it’s true. By and large men here in America retain a sense of chivalry, even in New York City. I am encouraged through doors and elevators being held open for me. Just the other day a complete stranger gave me the last seat on a very crowded train. I was given the last spot on a packed subway this afternoon. For all the guys out there: you can act how you want in college, but shape up once you graduate because you’re playing in a new league: a league of gentlemen. And I for one appreciate it.

I left my wallet in Connecticut, or at least, I hope I did because otherwise I lost it and that would be trouble. So my Saturday consisted on tutoring (I think the Ecudorian football player is hitting on me), going to the gym, showering, and now I’m on the train to CT, to work, to rescue my wallet. I discovered it was missing when I tried to buy a salad at Pax last night. The guy gave it to me on credit – can you believe that? He told me to take it and pay him next time!

I love the train ride because I either sleep – which is wonderful in the mornings – read a really good book (I’ve been reading insatiably lately), or there are the most interesting people to watch. Right now the Russian girl next to me is on the phone – she has been for 30mins. The lasy in the fuzzy beret in front of me is pissed about it and keeps glancing back with a decidedly sour look on her face. There is a young (well, my age) black guy facing me three rows up and I think he keeps switching his stare between me and a girl opposite her. I am still surprised when people notice me. Honestly - 9 times out of 10 there are much more beautiful people around me.

I saw Ben Joseloff when I was walking to Barnes and Noble this afternoon. Ben is a guy I had a crush on my freshman year of high school in Connecticut. He was in my English and AP US History classes. By the time I realised it was him he had walked by, but even if he hadn't, what would I say? What do you say to someone you weren't really friends with five years ago?

I've been in that nothing state. Not really happy or sad. Not tired but not energetic. Definately not motiveated to do anything but not really up for nothing either. It's a very detached state and there's no real reason for it. It's a perpetual state of waiting without the anxiety of waiting, without the expectation.

I've been craving school more lately. It's not that I miss less reponsibility or a larger social life - I miss learning all the time and having more control over my own schedule. But mostly I miss leanring. I miss using my brain and struggling.

I got my performance review at work and it was pretty much what I expected. They are happy with the amount of work I do, pleasantly surprised by how quickly I learn, and slightly annoyed with how badly I play with others. I know it's a defect but I've always had an impatient streak, especially with people who can't or won't perform but directly impact my performance. Look, if you can't swim, get out of the pool.

I'm still fascinated by the fact that everyone around me assumes the same sucess for me that I assume for myself. I mean, of course I think I'll suceed - it's part of being driven. I don't expect everyone else to casually agree. I made a joke to one of the trading assistants that in 7 years I'd be running the place in and he replied, in all seriousness, that he had no doubt. My boss and his director indicate the same. Ashley as well. In fact, I have yet to meet someone who has told me I'd hit a ceiling. I'm not trying to be arrogant here, I am quite honestly completely flummoxed. I assumed it would be a battle but so far the only battle is the bureauocracy inherent in large companies.

An important question still remains: What the hell am I doing in banking?

We went to Branch for Yan's birthday on Friday and I went a bit late. I was determined to have a good night and project confidence even if I wasn't feeling it. I was sucking on a lollipop to keep myself from drinking and I saw this really cute guy a few metres away. We kept catching each other's eye but I couldn't go talk to him because a friends kept cornering me with questions. It's only today that I realised I should have whipped out my digital camera and coyly asked him to take a picture of my friends and I. I made a resolution in senior year of college to stop going after guys because I wanted to be worth coming after but it's getting me no where. Game on.

Got nothing more at the moment. Well, nothing coherant yet. So I'll leave with a random picture from playing with the digital camera. Love that thing.

I am never satisfied am I? That's not really a question, I know it's true. I am never quite the picture of myself I have in my mind - I'm not quite put-together enough, not quite accomplished enough, I don't have a devoted boyfriend, I'm not pretty enough... there are million things that are just a little off. I got a ton of books and a REALLY nice digital camera and all I can think about is the clothes or the albumns I don't have. I have a great job at a prestigous bank and I can think about is being father up the ladder or in a more prestigous (revenue generating) sector of the bank. I make good money for someone my age but I want to be able to invest more, travel more, have more. My friends are amazing people and I can't get myself to write them more often - I'm months late in writing some of them and I wonder sometimes why people don't call me the way they call Swati - I mean hello? I'm never around, I never write.. what do I expect? I want people to give me respect, pay me compliments, etc but I don't want to have to put in the time and do the sucky work - the same way I want to be thinner and prettier but I don't want to give up sugar to do it. I used to think I was stong, accomplished, motivated, and charismatic but I'm not. Not really. I'm laxy, chubby, bossy and I'm going though life with blinders on. I've been spoiled and all I can think of is what I am not or don't have. I feel like I've backslided terribly, regressed, become less mature, and stalled out. And rather than pick myself up and change something all I can do is hide in my apartment and wallow in self-pity and bad movies.

Christ, pull yourself together girl! You're not 17 anymore. Act like an adult! I mean, jesus...

Past Present and Future...

The PAST two weeks have been extrordinarily social and that's been really wonderful. Everything from dinners, my boss's band playing, drinks with friends, spa tubs, swank parties, meeting new people - it doesn't get much better. Now if I can just keep it going - I'm slightly scared it will all just fizzle out after New Years.

The PRESENT has brought some restlessness at work, but I will be able to address that soon. It's very clear that the people I work with: from my bosses to my traders, my coworkers and my clients all have trust in my ability and in fact believe I do a pretty good job. I'm being trusted with responsibility and relationships seem to be running smoothly. The present also brings a brief period with some downtime and my flatmate away, which honestly is nice. I will have some decompression space and some time to sleep and read and recharge. To be followed of course, by New Years at Quo... with my new digital camera...

The short term FUTURE brings a slight tightening of the monetary belt, but overall my monetary sitation seems pleasantly stable and managed. I will finally be having some substantial conversations about my immadiate career arc; somehthing I hope will settle me a bit. It also brings some time to reflect on graduate school, working abroad, changing industries, balancing a social life and exploring some other new hobbies (volunteering at a hospital maybe?).

I guess I don't have much to complain about now do I?

It's amazing who you miss and what you remember when you leave a place. It's not necessarily the people you spent the most time with or the big nights out. More often than not it's small moments, even single lines from conversation. The people and moments that leave an imprint are unexpected - not always happy - not always life changing. Some that stand out...

Sui Lau when she told me "I wish you could see how beautiful you are"
JoeyT slouching on my bed while I pack at 3am
Swati clomping around in Jax's shoes - too small for Jax too big for Swats
Starbucks comfy chairs with JonJon at 10am on Sundays
O bugers with my brother and the Pike's at 3am just before graduation
Annabeth - always smiling - and Frampy the coolest car ever
Jamie and the mountain Dew pancakes
Chad's office - all I ever heard there was good news
The night with the lollipop at Tequila Willie's
Going to Priya's for a night when I really needed some comfort
My exit interview with Klepper
Talking with my brother on the porch in CA - he wants to be a dad someday
Singing Swing Swing Swing on the way home from clubbing
Mike Olson and his tireless desire to work for Deloitte - even in bus com
Quaker steak and lube because lube is... - Dave R

Most of these probably don't make sense to anyone but me. But that's why they're my memories.

November has been quite an exhausting month. Very up and down - lots of good news and lots of could-be-better. Things are going a bit better at work - I feel a bit more confortable with what's going on and I'm getting along better with Kurt - but on the other hand I've never seen my boss so stressed out and we're working a full 6 day workweek (with long days). Opa was sick, got worse, but is now looking better. He should be released from hospital soon. My brother got mugged (he's ok). I haven't managed to lose weight or give up chocolate, but I've had the attention of two very nice guys recently. I still have that recurring nightmare though where one day they just look at me and go "this is not what I signed up for!" and bolt. Tutoring is lots of fun and it's going well - I particularly like the Ecudorian futbol player - he's really easy to talk to and really wants to learn. I could use some new good music, but that's such a small thing - there's always rediscovering old albumns to fall back on. Maybe I'm just feeling a little in a rut. What can I do to wake myself up?

Thanksgiving. One of those holidays I don't completely understand or buy into, but nevertheless am not 100% thrilled that at the moment I'll be spending it alone with blockbuster. Yeah, someone else must be in town that I know.

On a much brighter note: this week has the potential to be absolutely friggin fantastic. I've got all kinds of social plans, things are (fingers crossed) running smoothly at work and .... well... someone called me pretty. Actually, more than one person. So basically I'm glowing because well... who wouldn't be?

XXXXXX: and that picture of you...
XXXXXX: was very very cute

Yes, this would be me glowing and blushing and smiling.

You know what would be awesome? A box of clementines. I walk by them every day coming home from work and every two days they get a dollar cheaper. How cheap will they get? What if they suddenly get more expensive? It's like the stock market with small orange fruit.

Good God
You've got to think with a girl like that...
Any love at all, is better than nothing.

This is going to sound silly, but one day someone I think is incredible is going to think I'm amazing. And it makes me happy just to know that it will happen, one day. In the meantime...

She says she can find
The things that make up a life,
I bet she will.

You know those film clips you have in your head of your future? I get one of those inside smiles when I notice that yeah... sometimes my life looks exactly like those clips. The goals may change, but it's thrilling to see that you can and are reaching them - that you are making something of yourself.

I am a work in progress

It's not an excuse for imperfection, instead, it's optimistic. And truthfully, there's no point in reaching a goal without setting another one first - otherwise, well, you're nowhere.

What's the matter world
Don't you see I opened up?

While monitoring election results I found myself surfing grad school and continuing education classes. I really want to go to either Stanford or Northwestern for grad school and I'm really tempted to just apply now for next fall. The only thing stopping me is the need to get recommendations from work collegues and I don't really see that going over too well at the moment.
I'm also really frustrated that you can't take online courses or night courses in chemisty, biology, orgo, etc. You would think lots of aspiring doctors and nurses and vets would need to be able to take these through alternative means, but I can't seem to find a way to get into a class. I'll give up my weekends, nights, free time - whatever - I just have to be able to go to work during normal work hours. It's so annoying because if I wanted to think about neuroscience I'd either a) have to complete more undergrad first or b) take is as an additional or second graduate degree (assuming I can qualify)
All I want to do is take friggin chem II at night/on weekends! Why is this so tough?!

Damnit it's a good thing I don't have his phone number because I'd probably end up calling him. I don't know if that's better or worse. Painful to be told no straight up, but makes for better closure.
I can't even truthfully say I want him out of my head. Damnit damnit DAMN IT!