16 October 2004

Right, so I've had a very relaxing good day, got my hair cut, and now I'm listening to the basement Jaxx while writing. It doesn't get much better. I've got plans and backup plans for tonight and I had a really good chat with my flatmate (infrequent but usually enjoyable). Basically, this is a long winded way of saying I'm in a good mood - oh - I also had a good chat with my brother (who is doing really well right now) and planned a trip to Cali to see the folks. I'm smiling in a very genuine way and it feels... content. Dare I say, optimistic?
I think this is the way I am generally, I just let ---- get the better of me. I get so caught up in it that I forget all the wonderful things in my life that should make me happy, optimistic, and confident. I need to keep that confidence, I'm no good when I get insecure.
I've discovered that I need to learn to deal with stress better. It makes me work better and work smarter, but it also had lots of detrimental effects that I never thought about before. It causes me to eat more, I sleep worse, I have elevated heart levels for long periods, and I lose some of the creative, lateral thinking that is sometimes my best asset. I need to learn to channel and manage that stress though, not necessarily eliminate it. I think maybe meditation and yoga - yeah try it before you laugh - and also being more mindful about it. Now that I'm aware of it, I can learn to make it an advantage rather than a liability.
On a slightly self-centred, egotistic note: I think in general I'm a little more self-aware than most people my age. I think I have an accurate idea of my strengths and weaknesses and I'm constantly trying to levrage that - improve things and work my assets. I went to an analytical college because I knew logical thinking was my weaker process, and it's paid off. Now it's about subtley - when to apply which skill and to what degree? For example, should I be aggressive and take the lead on something or should I try and influence others and let them step up a bit?
I have gotten a few really amazing compliments recently, and they are the kind that really stick with you. In Eksdale one of the UBS people told me that I was a really great leader and that I would go far, I was exactly what the company needed. Wow. Then Douglas, a train buddy (also at UBS) told me I have a luminecent personality - the kind that reaches out and grabs people. Double wow. I just hope I can live up to it - to their (and my) expectations. It's really arrogant, but I've always thought I would be great someday - not great like Alexander or Steve Jobs or something, but magnetic. The kind of person you just want on your team (friends wise or work wise). I think when I'm not trying to hard, I have moments when I am that person - I love this process of becomming the woman you have in your head. I love and appreciate the fact that when I look at myself, despite everything, I have a life I can be proud of. I have so many beautiful friends and I hope they can see they are the same - wonderful magnetic people who I'm glad I got to meet.

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