30 May 2005

In the Wall Street Journal on Friday was an article about Asian men becomming "softer" and appearing in lipstick and cosmetic ads. What the *#$? I'm all for a step up in the presentation department, but I don't want men to lose their masculinity!

Got some nice news at work - the woman who does the index/LatAm desk wants me to work with her instead of the guy that currently does it and she may talk to my boss about it. I would love it if that happpened. It would get me a little father from Rocco and away from the guy I'm currently with. Don't get me wrong, I think he's great, very patient and really nice, but I don't share well and there's at least a little tension there. It's particularly hard because he hasn't really been there much longer than me. Enough about work.

I can't believe I'm about to be 23. I'm completely not 23 yet. I always imagined at 23 I'd be some much more together and established. Then again, I wonder if I'll ever be established, I'm fairly transient and terrible at committing. It's odd how I can be so decisive at work and so indecisive about life. I'm not afraid of mistakes at work but I'm terrified of screwing up my life. My Penn essay is half done, but I'm also making some half-hearted internal moves. I need to choose and choose soon: do I belong in business or in medicene? CEO or Doctor?

Eric moved in today and his parents are awesome. His mom is the kind of woman that adopts other people's kids and watched over them a bit. I didn't realise how without parental influence I was until I was talking to her and watching Eric with his parents. I really am totally independent. My parents don't pay for me or my things, they don't help me move, they don't manage my money, they don't do my laundry, bring me brownies, or cook me food every few weekends. I'm not saying that's any better or worse than others, just different. It's probably because I'm so far away from them, but I think I'd be like this even if they were near. For me it's just part of being an adult (still feels weird to think of myself as one).

Speaking of family I have started to come into the reality of being an older sister. For the most part James and I are just really good friends and I wouldn't have it any other way. I am so proud of my brother and I think he's an amazing man. If I wasn't related to him I would want to know him, But occasionally little moments come forward where I can do something that, to me, feels like being the older sibling. Little things. Like having dad remind him of mother's day because it means so much to mom when he remembers or offering to help him find a job (even if he doesn't want the help - which I completely understand). Dick McKinney was right, I have started to realise how amazing my own family is and what truely special people they are - I am very lucky. My mom, dad, and brother are very different people, but they are each remarkable in their own way.

Trying to hold every door open is getting exhausting. I need to start making some decisions about the path I want to take and life I want to have (the person I want to be) and let go of the rest. Passion may be a wonderful attribute, but it's time to get some focus. It just feels like there's so much at stake and reallly don't want to be wrong. I don't want to wake up in 10, 15, 30 years and wonder what the hell I've done with my life and what I've become. I want to be a person and lead a life I love and can be proud of. The thing is, I 'll never really grow up until I make this choice. I'll never settle in, move up, or become anything until I choose. I don't like being nothing, so I've got to choose SOMETHING. I feel like I'm spinning my wheels because I am. You can't move forwards until you choose a road.

07 May 2005

Back when I was still writing regularly, about two months ago now, I thought I was more negative than I should have been. As my brother pointed out to me, it's scary watching someone who has a pretty plum set-up do nothing but complain. But when I read my friends blogs and emails, or talk to them on the phone, we're all like this. We've all graduated and become frustrated, disappointed, lonely, and in some cases, angry. In the context of the Time magazine article I have to wonder if this is a wider phenomenon - a symptom plaguing the new "twixter" class (I hate that word). What is causing this mass discontent?
By far the most common reason is a feeling of social disconnect. Either we aren't in a relationship and/or we feel we've lost the close circle of friends that was so central to our previous lives. I know I miss having my girlfriends in particular. All my life I have been surrounded predominately by males and only now do I realise how much I needed those few special women I am friends with. And yeah, it would be cool to have a boyfriend. But I'm one of those girls with personality, not stunning good looks so I'm going to have to get really desperate until some truely mediocre guy actually looks good and I settle. Oh that's a bad thought.
The next most common is our jobs. Either they are not challenging enough or they are boring, which amounts to about the same thing. I am so sick of companies telling me I need to apply for jobs on their schedule! First I have to be somewhere for a year. Then I can start applying for a first year position which would start a year from application. So I'd be in square one two years after leaving college... so I'm wasting my time in this boring idiocy they call equity derivative support? I'll put in my time but please tell me it's at least leading somewhere!
What I'm really getting at is that I don't feel so bad posting negative entry after negative entry. I don't know a lot of happy people out there in their mid-twenties and we're all feeling the same stuff. So, yeah, I'm frustrated and angry and alone too. And it sucks. I'm thinking of becomming a doctor to get away from this operations "job" but the one thing that stops me is I know how good I would be farther up in business. Can I suck it up long enough to get there? If this year is any indication, probably not. College is so free and your early twenties are so... stuck. No wonder we're miserable.