26 December 2004

I am never satisfied am I? That's not really a question, I know it's true. I am never quite the picture of myself I have in my mind - I'm not quite put-together enough, not quite accomplished enough, I don't have a devoted boyfriend, I'm not pretty enough... there are million things that are just a little off. I got a ton of books and a REALLY nice digital camera and all I can think about is the clothes or the albumns I don't have. I have a great job at a prestigous bank and I can think about is being father up the ladder or in a more prestigous (revenue generating) sector of the bank. I make good money for someone my age but I want to be able to invest more, travel more, have more. My friends are amazing people and I can't get myself to write them more often - I'm months late in writing some of them and I wonder sometimes why people don't call me the way they call Swati - I mean hello? I'm never around, I never write.. what do I expect? I want people to give me respect, pay me compliments, etc but I don't want to have to put in the time and do the sucky work - the same way I want to be thinner and prettier but I don't want to give up sugar to do it. I used to think I was stong, accomplished, motivated, and charismatic but I'm not. Not really. I'm laxy, chubby, bossy and I'm going though life with blinders on. I've been spoiled and all I can think of is what I am not or don't have. I feel like I've backslided terribly, regressed, become less mature, and stalled out. And rather than pick myself up and change something all I can do is hide in my apartment and wallow in self-pity and bad movies.

Christ, pull yourself together girl! You're not 17 anymore. Act like an adult! I mean, jesus...

23 December 2004

Past Present and Future...

The PAST two weeks have been extrordinarily social and that's been really wonderful. Everything from dinners, my boss's band playing, drinks with friends, spa tubs, swank parties, meeting new people - it doesn't get much better. Now if I can just keep it going - I'm slightly scared it will all just fizzle out after New Years.

The PRESENT has brought some restlessness at work, but I will be able to address that soon. It's very clear that the people I work with: from my bosses to my traders, my coworkers and my clients all have trust in my ability and in fact believe I do a pretty good job. I'm being trusted with responsibility and relationships seem to be running smoothly. The present also brings a brief period with some downtime and my flatmate away, which honestly is nice. I will have some decompression space and some time to sleep and read and recharge. To be followed of course, by New Years at Quo... with my new digital camera...

The short term FUTURE brings a slight tightening of the monetary belt, but overall my monetary sitation seems pleasantly stable and managed. I will finally be having some substantial conversations about my immadiate career arc; somehthing I hope will settle me a bit. It also brings some time to reflect on graduate school, working abroad, changing industries, balancing a social life and exploring some other new hobbies (volunteering at a hospital maybe?).

I guess I don't have much to complain about now do I?

28 November 2004

It's amazing who you miss and what you remember when you leave a place. It's not necessarily the people you spent the most time with or the big nights out. More often than not it's small moments, even single lines from conversation. The people and moments that leave an imprint are unexpected - not always happy - not always life changing. Some that stand out...

Sui Lau when she told me "I wish you could see how beautiful you are"
JoeyT slouching on my bed while I pack at 3am
Swati clomping around in Jax's shoes - too small for Jax too big for Swats
Starbucks comfy chairs with JonJon at 10am on Sundays
O bugers with my brother and the Pike's at 3am just before graduation
Annabeth - always smiling - and Frampy the coolest car ever
Jamie and the mountain Dew pancakes
Chad's office - all I ever heard there was good news
The night with the lollipop at Tequila Willie's
Going to Priya's for a night when I really needed some comfort
My exit interview with Klepper
Talking with my brother on the porch in CA - he wants to be a dad someday
Singing Swing Swing Swing on the way home from clubbing
Mike Olson and his tireless desire to work for Deloitte - even in bus com
Quaker steak and lube because lube is... - Dave R

Most of these probably don't make sense to anyone but me. But that's why they're my memories.

22 November 2004

November has been quite an exhausting month. Very up and down - lots of good news and lots of could-be-better. Things are going a bit better at work - I feel a bit more confortable with what's going on and I'm getting along better with Kurt - but on the other hand I've never seen my boss so stressed out and we're working a full 6 day workweek (with long days). Opa was sick, got worse, but is now looking better. He should be released from hospital soon. My brother got mugged (he's ok). I haven't managed to lose weight or give up chocolate, but I've had the attention of two very nice guys recently. I still have that recurring nightmare though where one day they just look at me and go "this is not what I signed up for!" and bolt. Tutoring is lots of fun and it's going well - I particularly like the Ecudorian futbol player - he's really easy to talk to and really wants to learn. I could use some new good music, but that's such a small thing - there's always rediscovering old albumns to fall back on. Maybe I'm just feeling a little in a rut. What can I do to wake myself up?

15 November 2004

Thanksgiving. One of those holidays I don't completely understand or buy into, but nevertheless am not 100% thrilled that at the moment I'll be spending it alone with blockbuster. Yeah, someone else must be in town that I know.

On a much brighter note: this week has the potential to be absolutely friggin fantastic. I've got all kinds of social plans, things are (fingers crossed) running smoothly at work and .... well... someone called me pretty. Actually, more than one person. So basically I'm glowing because well... who wouldn't be?

XXXXXX: and that picture of you...
XXXXXX: was very very cute

Yes, this would be me glowing and blushing and smiling.

You know what would be awesome? A box of clementines. I walk by them every day coming home from work and every two days they get a dollar cheaper. How cheap will they get? What if they suddenly get more expensive? It's like the stock market with small orange fruit.

04 November 2004

Good God
You've got to think with a girl like that...
Any love at all, is better than nothing.

This is going to sound silly, but one day someone I think is incredible is going to think I'm amazing. And it makes me happy just to know that it will happen, one day. In the meantime...

She says she can find
The things that make up a life,
I bet she will.

You know those film clips you have in your head of your future? I get one of those inside smiles when I notice that yeah... sometimes my life looks exactly like those clips. The goals may change, but it's thrilling to see that you can and are reaching them - that you are making something of yourself.

I am a work in progress

It's not an excuse for imperfection, instead, it's optimistic. And truthfully, there's no point in reaching a goal without setting another one first - otherwise, well, you're nowhere.

What's the matter world
Don't you see I opened up?

02 November 2004

While monitoring election results I found myself surfing grad school and continuing education classes. I really want to go to either Stanford or Northwestern for grad school and I'm really tempted to just apply now for next fall. The only thing stopping me is the need to get recommendations from work collegues and I don't really see that going over too well at the moment.
I'm also really frustrated that you can't take online courses or night courses in chemisty, biology, orgo, etc. You would think lots of aspiring doctors and nurses and vets would need to be able to take these through alternative means, but I can't seem to find a way to get into a class. I'll give up my weekends, nights, free time - whatever - I just have to be able to go to work during normal work hours. It's so annoying because if I wanted to think about neuroscience I'd either a) have to complete more undergrad first or b) take is as an additional or second graduate degree (assuming I can qualify)
All I want to do is take friggin chem II at night/on weekends! Why is this so tough?!

01 November 2004

Damnit it's a good thing I don't have his phone number because I'd probably end up calling him. I don't know if that's better or worse. Painful to be told no straight up, but makes for better closure.
I can't even truthfully say I want him out of my head. Damnit damnit DAMN IT!

31 October 2004

Going out in NYC last weekend (with the new haircut). Not a great picture... took it with my camera phone.

I heard from my mom today - she just arrived back from Holland. Tomorrow she and dad will be jetting off to Hawaii on a golf trip. Apparently my opa's operation didn't go smoothly and he almost died. It looks like he'll live, but he hasn't been released from the hospital yet. Meanwhile my oma is getting more and more demented. She can't take care of herself and with opa sick... she's undergoing an assesment now and hopefully she'll be provided a home care assistant. It seems like everytime I get news about any of my 4 grandparents it's always a little worse than last time. I don't know how much longer they'll be around.
Work has been it's own set of ups and downs with some long hours last week. With so many people on the team now you'd think there would be more time for project work, but there isn't really. Worst thing is that it's needed more than ever: our group is in some hot water and we need to really step up NOW. And that doesn't even go into the politics there, which I have managed to get completely screwed up in. I have got to learn to KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT.
Then there's Saturday night...it was such a blast, and yet, I know I'm in for a bruising. S---- apparently thought I wanted to go home with him, when I really just want to be friends. I managed to find a guy I can actually see myself committing to, A--- but he doesn't have time for a girl. I have no idea if that's true or a line because he wouldn't want me. It hardly matters though, same outcome. I've never felt that comfortable with a guy before. I've never felt that much chemistry before but clearly it's one-sided. It's not passionate, it's relaxed, content, easy - I love it. And I can't have it.

23 October 2004

Have you ever had that sense that someone really needed you? I just got back from my first tutoring session at the International Center where I tutor ESL and I had a converstation with this really interesting Taiwanese woman. She lived in Japan, wanted to become a make-up artist, and quit school to help her family when her parents died. She's been married to an American Taiwanese man for one year and has a 6 month old child... as our conversation developed I got the sense that she just really needed to talk to someone. I don't know if she feels alone or unhappy or trapped exactly - but something in her world is definately less than optimal. I don't think she's in a very good marriage and she has so many practical obstacles in front of her before she can finish her education and become what she clearly has been trying to be for years. I'm sure I don't really have a clue what's really going on but it felt like she was desperate for someone to lean on, to support her and encourage her.
I have never cared before that I didn't have a New York phone number until today. She either has to call CT, PA, or email - but she doesn't want to share her husband's account (understandble). I just wish there was something more that I could do. Honestly, correcting her verb tense seems so insignificant when I think about what it seems like she's going through.

20 October 2004

Ouch, I just saw my spelling of serendipitous in that last entry. Maybe I should take some remedial spelling classes...

19 October 2004

I always say I'm going to go to bed on time and I never do. *sigh* No wonder I feel tired the second half of the week. Paul is meeting me on the train tomorrow morning, which should be interesting as I am not exactly a morning person. Day 1 of project No Chocolate is coming to a close and I must be honest and admit to eating a handful of semi sweet chocolate chips after work. Damn. *sigh* New day tomorrow, new start, and a new chance to defy expectations and actually not sucummb. Did I spell that right?
I read an article this morning in the Wall Street Journal about graduates cleaning up their speech when they join the work force. More precisely that they don't, but should. I completely agree - it was serindipitous timing because I was noticing how slangish I have let my speech become. I frequently use "he was like" in place of "he said" and I have even caught myself calling my colleagues "dude"! To my defense, they are all under 30 and we have a particularly collegiate atmosphere - nevertheless - dress (or speak) like the job you want. If I want to be successful, powerful, productive, and a repected, effective leader then I need to look, act, speak, and behave like one. I'm almost certain the CEO's, heads of desks, etc do not call eachother "dude".
I have a meeting with my mentor tomorrow - I'm hoping for her advice on starting a development journal so I can track my soft-skill improvements and be sure to have a pulse on what I'm doing well and what my weaknesses are. I'm hoping to find a mentor within operations before the end of the month - Melissa is helping me with that.
Shoot - speaking of Melissa.. I owe CO Melissa an email at absolute minimum. I have become somehow better and worse (at the same time) at keeping in touch with people! I still owe 2 Australians birthday packages (half finished) - and Priya too. And now Paul's birthday is Monday...*sigh* I'm not just playing catch up at work. Of course, if I just stopped avoiding all my everyday administration it wouldn't pile up like this. Why doesn't that lesson ever seem to sink in?
Right, I need some sleep - I need to get up for an early shower before the train.

17 October 2004

Wonderful weekend, but I didn't really live in reality. Odd thing to say, but hear me out... Firstly, I spent most of it with a guy who seems to think quite highly of me. In fact, dare I say this, I think he might be going for the title of boyfriend! Not a frequent occurance for me and we'll see if I manage to pull this one off without completely screwing things up. I also got hit on by a musician (I never get randomly hit on just walking down the street!) and I was asked to be a hair model! I would have done that last one but I have work (drat). I guess my new haircut is a hit then - layers in a classic bob with some face framing angles. I also went to the Met (long overdue) and actually looked quite decent in knee high boots and a skirt on Sat night... lots of uncommonly good things basically...
Coupled with... a complete lack of anything productive. I managed to balance my checkbook incorrectly and timed a money transfer wrong by 24hrs, consequently incurring some rather sucky overdraft fees (not so clever). For the second weekend in a row I forgot to return the shirts to Brooks brothers AND I have yet to mail birthday packages owed to three people (some a month old)!
Lastly, a lot of really pleasant, long overdue phone conversations from good friends I miss a lot. Priya, James, Swati, Yan, Wil... I especially miss my girlfriends as I seem to be surrounded by boys 24/7. For a city that is majority female there is a lot of testosterone around!
Oh - did I mention flights home are booked? Yay! LA for Dec 11-18... Next on the list - plan the Thanksgiving par tay. Who's in town?

16 October 2004

Right, so I've had a very relaxing good day, got my hair cut, and now I'm listening to the basement Jaxx while writing. It doesn't get much better. I've got plans and backup plans for tonight and I had a really good chat with my flatmate (infrequent but usually enjoyable). Basically, this is a long winded way of saying I'm in a good mood - oh - I also had a good chat with my brother (who is doing really well right now) and planned a trip to Cali to see the folks. I'm smiling in a very genuine way and it feels... content. Dare I say, optimistic?
I think this is the way I am generally, I just let ---- get the better of me. I get so caught up in it that I forget all the wonderful things in my life that should make me happy, optimistic, and confident. I need to keep that confidence, I'm no good when I get insecure.
I've discovered that I need to learn to deal with stress better. It makes me work better and work smarter, but it also had lots of detrimental effects that I never thought about before. It causes me to eat more, I sleep worse, I have elevated heart levels for long periods, and I lose some of the creative, lateral thinking that is sometimes my best asset. I need to learn to channel and manage that stress though, not necessarily eliminate it. I think maybe meditation and yoga - yeah try it before you laugh - and also being more mindful about it. Now that I'm aware of it, I can learn to make it an advantage rather than a liability.
On a slightly self-centred, egotistic note: I think in general I'm a little more self-aware than most people my age. I think I have an accurate idea of my strengths and weaknesses and I'm constantly trying to levrage that - improve things and work my assets. I went to an analytical college because I knew logical thinking was my weaker process, and it's paid off. Now it's about subtley - when to apply which skill and to what degree? For example, should I be aggressive and take the lead on something or should I try and influence others and let them step up a bit?
I have gotten a few really amazing compliments recently, and they are the kind that really stick with you. In Eksdale one of the UBS people told me that I was a really great leader and that I would go far, I was exactly what the company needed. Wow. Then Douglas, a train buddy (also at UBS) told me I have a luminecent personality - the kind that reaches out and grabs people. Double wow. I just hope I can live up to it - to their (and my) expectations. It's really arrogant, but I've always thought I would be great someday - not great like Alexander or Steve Jobs or something, but magnetic. The kind of person you just want on your team (friends wise or work wise). I think when I'm not trying to hard, I have moments when I am that person - I love this process of becomming the woman you have in your head. I love and appreciate the fact that when I look at myself, despite everything, I have a life I can be proud of. I have so many beautiful friends and I hope they can see they are the same - wonderful magnetic people who I'm glad I got to meet.

11 October 2004

Right so I'm back from Europe (training in London) and the trip was fantastic. The people I met were really chill and fun to be around and overall the trip was really good for my morale. I think I was a bit exhausted from the effort it takes to make new friends when you move to a new city - especially when you spend 15 hrs a day working and commuting. It was nice to have two weeks with chill people, drinking wine and goofing off. Now that I'm back I realise my friendships here are getting slowly tighter and I'm a bit less afraid that I'm imposing when I called people up out of the blue. If there's one thing missing though, I still don't really have any good girlfriends here and as much as I love all the guys... sometimes a girl just needs a girltalk you know?
Interestingly enough about the London guys... Ian was very cute, but it was Karl I've ended up missing. He was really smart and completely eccentric so he was always a blast to be around.
Performace reviews are starting at work and my boss cornered me and told me she heard from other people I'm looking to leave ops. Crap. It's true and it's not. I am looking to leave, but not while it's still challenging and interesting... in any event, I don't want her of all people questioning my commitment! If I don't get above average on my PMM's I'm going to be more than a tad disgruntled. Watch me leave for front office then!
I know what else has been making me feel upset a lot and it's bad that it still has so much power over me. Will I be haunted by this for my whole life? Wow that sounds cryptic, but I'm not really opening this one up.
Can't end on that note... I need some new music, any recommendations?

16 September 2004

Oh man - what a solidly decent day! I was busy enough at work to keep myself going but not so busy I stressed out. There was a fair amount of camaraderie and joking going on too... always a good thing. Then we went out for Ollie's leaving drinks and I had such a blast! Girl talk with Sharon - she listened when I went on about A--- and Ollie opened up about his two birds and it was just fun! The three vodka oranges and an apple martini didn't hurt by any means... And tomorrow (Thurs) we're going out again.. of course Friday cos Swati is here... Sat off to London- yay! Man, I am still buzzing, I wonder if I'll wake up with a hangover or still wobbly...:)?

13 September 2004

Right, I'm over the whole tired bad mood thing. I've decided it's not so much about proving yourself and impressing people, it's more about simply being nice to people. So that's the new goal - play nice, be patient, and have a little fun.
I was reviewing my bloke list the other day (list of boys I've kissed - it's in my journal) and I can't complain - New York has been good to me. I was worried about what the whole concept implied, but it's kissing... its not like I'm screwing around with a trail of guys whos names I don't remember. It's all good fun, right?
I got the most killer jacket on Sunday - now I just need an opportunity to wear it. It's a motorcycle cut: white with red details. I wish I had a digital camera, it's simply cool. You wish you had this jacket.
This sounds like a frivolous entry, but it's really not: this is a shift in my thinking. This is me letting go of a lot of shit that was weighing on my shoulders. Oh - and guess who passed her exam? Yeah baby - London here I come!

08 September 2004

Life seems to require a lot of effort right now, it's exhausting.

06 September 2004

So some people can be really really honest in their blogs and I have to admit, I keep a journal for that stuff. There's only so much of me I'll put on public display. That being said - here's a fairly naked entry.
This weekend I was partying in Jersey with people and I had such a blast, actually the whole weekend was such a blast, not just Friday, but that's where the story is. I met a guy, not a surprise, and I ended up really liking him - big surprise. I hate how I do this. I know perfectly well I'm not going to see someone again and I'm good - I don't let things go too far - I know I'd get attached. Thing is, I've ended up attached to this guy regardless! One day someone will call me back. I'll pick the right guy or the timing will work out or whatever you want to attribute it to, but in the meantime I've got to stop thinking about him. I am such a girl.
I need a hobby. Something other than reading - I need something that will be more of an outlet because I think I'm getting all wound up. I react a lot, I've lost that buffering ability. This is probably not making any sense at all. It's like I've lost some of my internal control and in trying to get it back I end up defensive and inflexible, which only makes things worse. My girlfriend said to start meditating (I used to and stopped for no good reason) and she might have something there. I need to calm down, take a moment, and realise that I'm more than fine. My life is in really good shape.
I need to knock off the Oreos. I need to run again - I miss running. Thankfully I can still run four miles in a session and feel energized at the end, but damn if I only get to go once a week now. I should start getting myself out of the office sooner - after all, I'm in before everyone else. I should leave and get back here and run, that would be a great outlet.
Hobbies... I could revive the knitting, but how many scarves do I need? Hmmm, it needs to be non-academic so languages, maths, and such are out... drawing - I still have my charcoal and my board/pads here. If I can find some architechture and/or sculpture I could draw... no gee... where would I find that in this city ;)
Swimming! I should totally find out when the lane times are in midtown - I have a pool so I should use it! I'd love to swim actually. Since Australia I've missed the water (though I could deal without the bathing suit thing).
Swati is vetoing the dark hair. I'm still 50/50. Get your vote in before the scales tip.

31 August 2004

I FAILED my exam today. Yes, me. I failed. I FAILED. As in, did not pass. I don't "do" failing. Except for the part where I just did. And then I had to go straight to work and solve a sh*t show of issues as if I wasn't affected at all by what had just happened. Being an adult sucks big time. I really wanted to just bitch or indulge in some pissy self-pity - at least deal with the fact I had just FAILED and my London trip was in jeapordy! Then Ollie comes in a HALF day late and starts acting like he owns all those accounts and issues I've been dealing with all day - we both control freaks and we both feel like we own the job we're basically sharing. It makes for some friction on occasion. My solution to the whole crappy day was to each chocolate ice cream, sushi, then yogurt with granola. In other words a ton of food I really didn't need. I've already bloated from having a friggin desk job and now I'm binging over some crap unfair test.... arg! This was NOT MY DAY.
Tomorrow, if all goes well, I'm going to see Brooklyn for the first time so hopefully that will make life better. Also, my girl is coming in this weekend.
I need a good day, and I a good night's sleep. I need more time to go running (and I wouldn't mind a faster metabolism). I've been doing this for 7 weeks and I'm burning out already: how crap is that. Maybe it's just my mood.
Here's looking forward to cold weather. I think when the season turns I'll dye my hair dark. I've been itching too for a while now.
- - - BLAH - - -

30 August 2004

Right, so no dates to report so don't get excited.
I have found it interesting to realise though, that this is the first move since I left England where I palpably miss my friends. When I went out this weekend (I had a blast) but there was a hole where my girlfriends were. It is really is much harder to make girlfriends that guy friends. Although right now I'd love to have a group of guys to watch football with or hit up bars after work. I have people I hang out with on the weekends and the friendships are growing but it's a slow process.
I bought the DVD Underworld today - I love Kate Beckinsdale in this movie. There are a few people from the movies whom I would love to be like:
a) Kate Beckinsdale from Underworld
b) Rene Russo in Thomas Crown Affair
c) Lara Croft in Tomb Raider
I'm thinking of dying my hair dark - I've done this before, but whenever I mention it people always tell me not to. People spend a fortune trying to get my natural colour and I want to change it. But I think there's something really beautiful about pale skin, blue eyes, and dark hair. It's also the longest it's been in 8 years right now and soon I'm going to trim it.... shoulder length is sufficient I think. Enough about hair.
I've been thinking about boys a lot lately, it's been coming up a lot with friends. Some are about to be groomsmen, some are moving in with their other halves, etc. When I think about it I'm very torn. On the one hand I really want that love - that love that people write songs about, but on the other.... on the other I'm so skittish. Commitment is very difficult for me because , well probably because I'm picky but also because I end up with bad guys.
It's amazing how it is so universal for all women. We chat with our girlfriends and vow to not put up with assholes any more and I'm sure there is some male equivalent. No more demanding women, or maybe no more ditzy ones. When I look at my mom and my dad I realise that ultimately, whatever guy I'm with is going to have to be very patient and willing to compromise. I'm just like my father - I won't give up my independence. And yet I don't want to be the dominant one in a relationship... ah, the contradictions.
Enough about boys.
I got sushi for lunch tomorrow - should be good. Right, off to well, to do nothing productive.

22 August 2004

I was just reading someone else's blog and it reminded me I haven't posted in mine for ages. So here we go.
I can feel some of my fears about my NY life coming true. I am getting all caught up in my work and where I want my career to go and I don't think that's all bad, but I'm getting more worried that I won't put priority on my extended travel plans and I'll lose some of that perspective I gained in Australia. On the other hand, I have an exam on August 31st and I have done exactly no homework sheets. Textbooks completed: 0 Textbook still to do: 3. Wow, I am so on top of it. To be fair, I've been pulling long hours (partly by choice) and have landed myself on some really cool projects: the power of process initiative and the risk control project team. I can't really be specific (confidentiality) but sufficed to say it's a lot more interesting than payment investigations and babysitting trades.
The second fear was about the non-work life. I go through cycles of trying to be social and then end up hibernating for a few days. In many ways this is a really impenetrable city - I don't know how I would have faired if people I know weren't already here or didn't move here around the same time. Even with those people I miss my girlfriends - I miss the guys I went to football and beer with. All those little things I don't have here yet. I know... give it time.
I have started dating a bit though and that's been interesting! I should log them all here or something... can you imagine if one of them read it and got upset? So let's catch up to where we are currently, and all future dates will be at least mentioned. I mean really, everyone loves reading this stuff...
Guy 1 - Went to a friends party before she went away to Europe for Opera. After the party Guy 1, a girl and I hit up some midtown bars. Night ended up with Guy 1 asking for my phone number (4th guy that night), got a good night kiss, and then never heard from him again. Oh well.
Guy 2 - Never actually went on a date with him because he was a cop from Queens and completely uninteresting. Had nothing to say which just leads to lots of awkward pauses you know?
Guy 3 - Personal Trainer at my gym asked me out. That was a no.
Guy 4 - French guy (friend of a coworker) who bought me my first congac at Pastis in the meatpacking district. Quite a bit of kissing ensued, but declined the invite to his place. Not that kind of girl no matter how charming you are. He's in France until sometime in September, but I imagine he'll have forgotten all about me by the time he returns.
Guy 5 - Ibanker I went to dinner with and then drinks. Very nice but a little intense, I have a feeling I scare easily.
My friends tell me to stop coming up with excuses and just try sticking to one guy for a while. I haven't passed the 6 month mark yet with anyone, but can't that also just be I haven't met anyone worth more than 6 months? Actually I have, but I moved away from one (Tom) and the other wouldn't have me (sad for me).
Ok, that's quite enough of my personal life out there as a matter of public record.

17 July 2004

Is there such a thing as the potential for intelligence? In other words, are some people just more capable that others? Concurrently then, is there such a concept as the fungability of intelligence? Are some people better at translating their potential into different forms (good with people, common sense, academic ability, logic puzzles, etc) or do they simply possess high levels of multiple intelligences?
I think anyone that has worked really hard for ages at something only to watch someone just glance at it and "get it" feels like they are less capable than the other. Is that really a difference in intelligence levels?
How often to we confuse extroversion intuition, and ambition with intelligence?  How do we usually measure how smart the people we meet are? I mean, we're not exaclty carrying around IQ score cards in our wallets...
I, and many will disagree, believe that people are born with certain limits; intelligence included. We don't consider it mean to say that some people are more athlectically gifted: that I will never, no matter how much I work at it, be able to play in the WNBA. Why then, are we reluctant to admit that some people, no matter how hard they work, will ever play in the MENSA league? I further believe that the fungability of intelligence is a different quality than intelligence. Some of the smartest people in the world will never translate that pure logic into gifted social interaction - their intelligence comes in limited form. On the other hand, there are people who are moderately smart at almost anything they try. They have an intelligence level of "moderately smart" and a fungability level of "high". They are in essense, less intelligent than our mathmetician example, but more adaptable. I leave it to you to decide which quality you find more desirable.
I've been at the job for a week and a half now and I'm actually liking it. We'll see how it is in a year though - I think I'd like to move a little front office from where I am. It's a good place to start and the people are really really wonderful. Work is pretty much sorted, so now it's a matter of creating the rest of my life. Friends, activities, things like that. I get occasional things to do with the people I meet at work, but I don't think I really know how to make friends. It tends to feel like imposing. I guess I'm going to have to get over that. I should join some kind of club or something here in NY - and there's the gym. Do people really meet at gyms?

21 June 2004

Ok, all dramatics overwith. The trip was one of those perspective altering months, I just hope I don't end up absorbed in the New York life and forget this feeling I have now. Work felt like responsibility before, it feels like a prison now - and I haven't even started!
Some bad news within the family, so I'm chilling with the rents for an extra week in LA. Hopefully I'll get motorcycle lessons out of my brother though... Harley here I come.
Weirdest thing in a while: I miss a guy I only knew for a week. How sad is that? He was my dive buddy on the boat we lived on in Cairns. I barely know him and yet I miss him. Maybe I'm just bored in LA. Christ, I'm such a girl.
Blah ok... pool should be done on Wednesday so I can slowly withdraw from all the swimming and water instead of going cold turkey. If I don't forget what I feel and think now you'll all be reading my around-the-world blog in a year or two. Ha - I might even become a dive instructor! Can you see it? Super competative ultra academic Stefanie gives up the New York rat race to work on a boat in hot and humid Cairns for most of a year before roughing it in Thailand, Cambodia, Egypt, and South Africa! I tell you - some version of that WILL happen.
I was in such a rush to be older and more accomplished than I was - I guess that's why I always felt guilty about the adventures I had, or wanted to have. No more! I'm only 22 - this is the decade of adventures. Achievements and promotions will still be around when I'm older and stiff and boring. Is this my quarter life crisis coming early? HeHe.
Ok, back to emails, some reading, and take dad to the hospital tomorrow, then motorcycle lessons in the afternoon when James gets back from working (at the paint store). Later!

08 June 2004

This should be fun, but it's hell.
I never thought I had any patience, until after two weeks, it finally ran out.
Help me.

23 May 2004

I write this while sitting at a computer terminal in my parents local library because their house is under rennovation. Truthfully, there is internet there, but it's dial up and I have become so spoiled by the high speed internet at school. I mean, my alma mater.
I am now a college graduate with a degree.
What I am most frustrated by right now, is the idea of political correctness, which is really a nice way of saying that these days you can't just be respectful, you have to be uber-sensitive. How can we honestly have a open dialogue about issues if simply admitting there is an issue is now equated with being racist, sexist, or some other "ist"? I admit that generalisations have their drawbacks and should be used carefully, but how can we talk about "Americans" without generalising the citizens? No one has a problem with that. But talk about "blacks" as a community and suddenly you have a problem. Statisitcally the black population earns less than it's white counterpart. That statement alone will earn me all kinds of retribution from readers... yet, if we take a mathematical approach, that statement is correct. Some would see it as a problem... but simply identifying the statement, let alone the problem, will already land you in hot water. You can now be not simply a racist, but a "colour-blind racist."
My brother is reading a book for school on the idea of colour blind racism and there are some points in there that spark worthwhile conversation. However, according to the author, simply being white makes me racist. Talk about original sin! It doesn't matter how I act, treat people, or wish for the world, I simply am a racist in a society that will allow other minorities to flourish in order to keep the black population oppressed. End of story.
Um, no.
Not the end of the story. I don't believe you can call a race "racist". I think this is one situation where a generalisation is not appropriate. People are not born racist, they become so. There may be all kinds of societal factors creating a racist atmosphere, there may be all kinds of subtle ways in which white people offend or hurt black people, but I do not believe that I was born racist because my parents are white. Not only is that racist, but its extremely pessimisstic.
If we can get people past deciding which labels are appropriate and calling each other names like "racist" and "bigot" then maybe we'd actually get somewhere. Maybe we'd be able to point out a problem or two and actually work towards a solution. Black people earn less. This can be linked to inferior education... so lets work on education. There have been some very promising schools that have been carefully integrated so the populations reflect the neighborhoods, and the kids grow up tolerant. Now its time for the adults to play nice.
I'm sure I'm going to get kicked for this, but:
Slavery ended hundreds of years ago. You can't ask us to pay for what our parents parents parents parents did. Not going to happen, not ethical, lets move forward.
What's needed is money... and lots of it. Since white people have so much of it, we pay tons and tons of tax. We give lots in charity and lots of it goes to black communities. Where's the money and the support from Jay Z and Biggie? How much did they give back to the schools they went to? Oh yeah, none. They were too busy buying 10 beamers and a tricked out Navigator. Do you know how many school books that money would have bought? Where's the sense of community?
We don't like to mention it but there are successful black people in the world. Not as many as there should be, but they exist. And I'm sure many of them do try and help their commnunities, but this is where change is going to come from. That's how other minorities made it. It's possible. It's even probable. But its not going to come from the white man alone.
I am going to get killed for writing this. If I was smart, I would have hit delete.

08 May 2004

What a day. It's amazing how you can lead a fairly boring life and then once and a while you have those days where it feels like everything turned upside down. Lucky for me all the news was good :)
Apparently Ben Affleck and Ted Kennedy are joining forces to campaign for higher minimum wage, which please tell me, seems weird to at least one other person. I mean, I don't *think* it works that way: a couple of mildly famous people walk around Washington with their bright idea and absolutely no clue about say... economics or.... fiscal policy. Interesting to note that we're in a mini-recession right now and job creation isn't quite rebounding - the majority of the recent increase was in temp and part time work (not a strong economic driver) - and consumer spending hasn't dropped, which means people are increasing their debt levels. Now, the way to fix the economy would be to reinvest in growth industry and for people to stop spending money they don't have (which seems really obvious - if you don't have the money, don't buy stuff you don't need). Anyway, raising the cost of labour is 1) not going to keep labour in the US, it will drive it overseas and 2) not a good idea unless we see a concurrent rise in productivity or we're paying without getting any production. If they really want to help workers, why don't they campaign for more skill building (ie education) so our population is more employable and capable of innovation?
In case some people haven't been watching, there's a trend developing to start outsourcing what were traditionally considered "safe" jobs - programming, customer service, call centres, and the like. Those jobs are now more productive overseas, which means to stay ahead of the economic curve, we need to find a new niche. When economies develop, nations need to stay at the frontier of their capabilities: we used to be a manufacturing hotbed before those jobs moved overseas (Taiwan, China, Malaysia, etc). Now, we're watching soft IT and service jobs move offshore. Other economies have reached that point in development, and we've grown past it. So what now for us? What do we do? We innovate. We think of it, we improve it, we design it, we revolutionise it, and someone else builds it. Our new job market is not in implementation, but in creation. What is the number one thing that will drive this trend? An educated population. Which once again brings me back to Ben and Ted. We don't need higher minimum wage, we need better education for all ages.
I'm getting off of my soapbox now.

03 May 2004

I'm watching Anderson Cooper 360 and they want to get DNA from an old pair of Michael Jackson's underwear they found in storage. I know they're doing their job and child molestation is a serious charge, but honestly, who puts their underwear in storage?
Oh, I must say thanks to Davo, since I stole this title from him.
The New York Times did an interesting article on ending grade inflation - using statistics to weight each class by professor and subject. It's an interesting thought, but I have a question: if the average grade a professor gives in a given class is a B+, then you would never be able to get a full 10 out of 10 in the weighting system. Now what if your curriculum requires lots of classes like that? In other words, would it become possible that some majors simply do not contain enough rigerous courses to get the highest grades and therefore graduate with honours?
I'd say one thing we really need to be looking at is the grading in liberal arts courses. It is generally accepted that they tend to be easier than say, engineering. However, I know lots of people who scored badly in verbal or can't write a coherant paper. My neighbor even admitted one of his papers had no thesis! Liberal arts teachers need to be tougher when they're grading, especially essays. It's far too easy to knock something together at the last minute and still get A's. Then again, I am the beneficiary of such A's, so maybe I shouldn't complain so loudly, after all, I don't get my degree (with honours) for another two weeks.