31 August 2004

I FAILED my exam today. Yes, me. I failed. I FAILED. As in, did not pass. I don't "do" failing. Except for the part where I just did. And then I had to go straight to work and solve a sh*t show of issues as if I wasn't affected at all by what had just happened. Being an adult sucks big time. I really wanted to just bitch or indulge in some pissy self-pity - at least deal with the fact I had just FAILED and my London trip was in jeapordy! Then Ollie comes in a HALF day late and starts acting like he owns all those accounts and issues I've been dealing with all day - we both control freaks and we both feel like we own the job we're basically sharing. It makes for some friction on occasion. My solution to the whole crappy day was to each chocolate ice cream, sushi, then yogurt with granola. In other words a ton of food I really didn't need. I've already bloated from having a friggin desk job and now I'm binging over some crap unfair test.... arg! This was NOT MY DAY.
Tomorrow, if all goes well, I'm going to see Brooklyn for the first time so hopefully that will make life better. Also, my girl is coming in this weekend.
I need a good day, and I a good night's sleep. I need more time to go running (and I wouldn't mind a faster metabolism). I've been doing this for 7 weeks and I'm burning out already: how crap is that. Maybe it's just my mood.
Here's looking forward to cold weather. I think when the season turns I'll dye my hair dark. I've been itching too for a while now.
- - - BLAH - - -

30 August 2004

Right, so no dates to report so don't get excited.
I have found it interesting to realise though, that this is the first move since I left England where I palpably miss my friends. When I went out this weekend (I had a blast) but there was a hole where my girlfriends were. It is really is much harder to make girlfriends that guy friends. Although right now I'd love to have a group of guys to watch football with or hit up bars after work. I have people I hang out with on the weekends and the friendships are growing but it's a slow process.
I bought the DVD Underworld today - I love Kate Beckinsdale in this movie. There are a few people from the movies whom I would love to be like:
a) Kate Beckinsdale from Underworld
b) Rene Russo in Thomas Crown Affair
c) Lara Croft in Tomb Raider
I'm thinking of dying my hair dark - I've done this before, but whenever I mention it people always tell me not to. People spend a fortune trying to get my natural colour and I want to change it. But I think there's something really beautiful about pale skin, blue eyes, and dark hair. It's also the longest it's been in 8 years right now and soon I'm going to trim it.... shoulder length is sufficient I think. Enough about hair.
I've been thinking about boys a lot lately, it's been coming up a lot with friends. Some are about to be groomsmen, some are moving in with their other halves, etc. When I think about it I'm very torn. On the one hand I really want that love - that love that people write songs about, but on the other.... on the other I'm so skittish. Commitment is very difficult for me because , well probably because I'm picky but also because I end up with bad guys.
It's amazing how it is so universal for all women. We chat with our girlfriends and vow to not put up with assholes any more and I'm sure there is some male equivalent. No more demanding women, or maybe no more ditzy ones. When I look at my mom and my dad I realise that ultimately, whatever guy I'm with is going to have to be very patient and willing to compromise. I'm just like my father - I won't give up my independence. And yet I don't want to be the dominant one in a relationship... ah, the contradictions.
Enough about boys.
I got sushi for lunch tomorrow - should be good. Right, off to well, to do nothing productive.

22 August 2004

I was just reading someone else's blog and it reminded me I haven't posted in mine for ages. So here we go.
I can feel some of my fears about my NY life coming true. I am getting all caught up in my work and where I want my career to go and I don't think that's all bad, but I'm getting more worried that I won't put priority on my extended travel plans and I'll lose some of that perspective I gained in Australia. On the other hand, I have an exam on August 31st and I have done exactly no homework sheets. Textbooks completed: 0 Textbook still to do: 3. Wow, I am so on top of it. To be fair, I've been pulling long hours (partly by choice) and have landed myself on some really cool projects: the power of process initiative and the risk control project team. I can't really be specific (confidentiality) but sufficed to say it's a lot more interesting than payment investigations and babysitting trades.
The second fear was about the non-work life. I go through cycles of trying to be social and then end up hibernating for a few days. In many ways this is a really impenetrable city - I don't know how I would have faired if people I know weren't already here or didn't move here around the same time. Even with those people I miss my girlfriends - I miss the guys I went to football and beer with. All those little things I don't have here yet. I know... give it time.
I have started dating a bit though and that's been interesting! I should log them all here or something... can you imagine if one of them read it and got upset? So let's catch up to where we are currently, and all future dates will be at least mentioned. I mean really, everyone loves reading this stuff...
Guy 1 - Went to a friends party before she went away to Europe for Opera. After the party Guy 1, a girl and I hit up some midtown bars. Night ended up with Guy 1 asking for my phone number (4th guy that night), got a good night kiss, and then never heard from him again. Oh well.
Guy 2 - Never actually went on a date with him because he was a cop from Queens and completely uninteresting. Had nothing to say which just leads to lots of awkward pauses you know?
Guy 3 - Personal Trainer at my gym asked me out. That was a no.
Guy 4 - French guy (friend of a coworker) who bought me my first congac at Pastis in the meatpacking district. Quite a bit of kissing ensued, but declined the invite to his place. Not that kind of girl no matter how charming you are. He's in France until sometime in September, but I imagine he'll have forgotten all about me by the time he returns.
Guy 5 - Ibanker I went to dinner with and then drinks. Very nice but a little intense, I have a feeling I scare easily.
My friends tell me to stop coming up with excuses and just try sticking to one guy for a while. I haven't passed the 6 month mark yet with anyone, but can't that also just be I haven't met anyone worth more than 6 months? Actually I have, but I moved away from one (Tom) and the other wouldn't have me (sad for me).
Ok, that's quite enough of my personal life out there as a matter of public record.