I am never satisfied am I? That's not really a question, I know it's true. I am never quite the picture of myself I have in my mind - I'm not quite put-together enough, not quite accomplished enough, I don't have a devoted boyfriend, I'm not pretty enough... there are million things that are just a little off. I got a ton of books and a REALLY nice digital camera and all I can think about is the clothes or the albumns I don't have. I have a great job at a prestigous bank and I can think about is being father up the ladder or in a more prestigous (revenue generating) sector of the bank. I make good money for someone my age but I want to be able to invest more, travel more, have more. My friends are amazing people and I can't get myself to write them more often - I'm months late in writing some of them and I wonder sometimes why people don't call me the way they call Swati - I mean hello? I'm never around, I never write.. what do I expect? I want people to give me respect, pay me compliments, etc but I don't want to have to put in the time and do the sucky work - the same way I want to be thinner and prettier but I don't want to give up sugar to do it. I used to think I was stong, accomplished, motivated, and charismatic but I'm not. Not really. I'm laxy, chubby, bossy and I'm going though life with blinders on. I've been spoiled and all I can think of is what I am not or don't have. I feel like I've backslided terribly, regressed, become less mature, and stalled out. And rather than pick myself up and change something all I can do is hide in my apartment and wallow in self-pity and bad movies.

Christ, pull yourself together girl! You're not 17 anymore. Act like an adult! I mean, jesus...

Past Present and Future...

The PAST two weeks have been extrordinarily social and that's been really wonderful. Everything from dinners, my boss's band playing, drinks with friends, spa tubs, swank parties, meeting new people - it doesn't get much better. Now if I can just keep it going - I'm slightly scared it will all just fizzle out after New Years.

The PRESENT has brought some restlessness at work, but I will be able to address that soon. It's very clear that the people I work with: from my bosses to my traders, my coworkers and my clients all have trust in my ability and in fact believe I do a pretty good job. I'm being trusted with responsibility and relationships seem to be running smoothly. The present also brings a brief period with some downtime and my flatmate away, which honestly is nice. I will have some decompression space and some time to sleep and read and recharge. To be followed of course, by New Years at Quo... with my new digital camera...

The short term FUTURE brings a slight tightening of the monetary belt, but overall my monetary sitation seems pleasantly stable and managed. I will finally be having some substantial conversations about my immadiate career arc; somehthing I hope will settle me a bit. It also brings some time to reflect on graduate school, working abroad, changing industries, balancing a social life and exploring some other new hobbies (volunteering at a hospital maybe?).

I guess I don't have much to complain about now do I?