26 December 2004

I am never satisfied am I? That's not really a question, I know it's true. I am never quite the picture of myself I have in my mind - I'm not quite put-together enough, not quite accomplished enough, I don't have a devoted boyfriend, I'm not pretty enough... there are million things that are just a little off. I got a ton of books and a REALLY nice digital camera and all I can think about is the clothes or the albumns I don't have. I have a great job at a prestigous bank and I can think about is being father up the ladder or in a more prestigous (revenue generating) sector of the bank. I make good money for someone my age but I want to be able to invest more, travel more, have more. My friends are amazing people and I can't get myself to write them more often - I'm months late in writing some of them and I wonder sometimes why people don't call me the way they call Swati - I mean hello? I'm never around, I never write.. what do I expect? I want people to give me respect, pay me compliments, etc but I don't want to have to put in the time and do the sucky work - the same way I want to be thinner and prettier but I don't want to give up sugar to do it. I used to think I was stong, accomplished, motivated, and charismatic but I'm not. Not really. I'm laxy, chubby, bossy and I'm going though life with blinders on. I've been spoiled and all I can think of is what I am not or don't have. I feel like I've backslided terribly, regressed, become less mature, and stalled out. And rather than pick myself up and change something all I can do is hide in my apartment and wallow in self-pity and bad movies.

Christ, pull yourself together girl! You're not 17 anymore. Act like an adult! I mean, jesus...

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