25 July 2005

What I really Want

I know EXACTLY what I want. I want to be in school again. I miss learning. I miss homework. I miss tests and grades and cramming and the thrill of wondering how I did. I miss stretching my mind around anything and everything that's interesting.
I found night classes in chemistry and lab but... they're $3700 each at Columbia. Absolute insanity. I can take a three week trip to the South Pacific for less! I found finance classes at Baruch for $850 a class and drawing classes at New School for $518... but... chem lab would be amazing, brilliant, fantastic...
I think the real reason I keep thinking of being a doctor is because it means I could go back to school for years. The same could be said for a PhD. The one problem is that I'd have to pick ONE subject. I want to take them all. Why aren't I in grad school? I am clearly meant to be an academic, so why am I out in the wide world? I mean this with all sincerity: what am I doing at a bank? And why don't I have the willpower to back away from it's outward allure? I'm so drawn in by the promise of the next step - the next achievement, but honestly, I don't want it other than to say I got it. I don't want to be an AD so much as being recognised as brilliant for becomming one so quickly.
I want to go back to school.


ron said...

isn't the point of being a doctor to help people and not to go back to school? seems like you want to be a doctor for all the wrong reasons. just an outsider's observation.

design42 said...

Yeah, you definately have a point and I'm working in a hospital in my spare time to see what I'd be getting into. I do want to help people, but I would be lying if I didn't admit that more school wasn't majorly appealing to me. They say that if you want to know about illness, ask a doctor. If you want to know about patients, ask a nurse.