09 January 2005

I saw Ben Joseloff when I was walking to Barnes and Noble this afternoon. Ben is a guy I had a crush on my freshman year of high school in Connecticut. He was in my English and AP US History classes. By the time I realised it was him he had walked by, but even if he hadn't, what would I say? What do you say to someone you weren't really friends with five years ago?

I've been in that nothing state. Not really happy or sad. Not tired but not energetic. Definately not motiveated to do anything but not really up for nothing either. It's a very detached state and there's no real reason for it. It's a perpetual state of waiting without the anxiety of waiting, without the expectation.

I've been craving school more lately. It's not that I miss less reponsibility or a larger social life - I miss learning all the time and having more control over my own schedule. But mostly I miss leanring. I miss using my brain and struggling.

I got my performance review at work and it was pretty much what I expected. They are happy with the amount of work I do, pleasantly surprised by how quickly I learn, and slightly annoyed with how badly I play with others. I know it's a defect but I've always had an impatient streak, especially with people who can't or won't perform but directly impact my performance. Look, if you can't swim, get out of the pool.

I'm still fascinated by the fact that everyone around me assumes the same sucess for me that I assume for myself. I mean, of course I think I'll suceed - it's part of being driven. I don't expect everyone else to casually agree. I made a joke to one of the trading assistants that in 7 years I'd be running the place in and he replied, in all seriousness, that he had no doubt. My boss and his director indicate the same. Ashley as well. In fact, I have yet to meet someone who has told me I'd hit a ceiling. I'm not trying to be arrogant here, I am quite honestly completely flummoxed. I assumed it would be a battle but so far the only battle is the bureauocracy inherent in large companies.

An important question still remains: What the hell am I doing in banking?

We went to Branch for Yan's birthday on Friday and I went a bit late. I was determined to have a good night and project confidence even if I wasn't feeling it. I was sucking on a lollipop to keep myself from drinking and I saw this really cute guy a few metres away. We kept catching each other's eye but I couldn't go talk to him because a friends kept cornering me with questions. It's only today that I realised I should have whipped out my digital camera and coyly asked him to take a picture of my friends and I. I made a resolution in senior year of college to stop going after guys because I wanted to be worth coming after but it's getting me no where. Game on.

Got nothing more at the moment. Well, nothing coherant yet. So I'll leave with a random picture from playing with the digital camera. Love that thing.

No comments: