I am never satisfied am I? That's not really a question, I know it's true. I am never quite the picture of myself I have in my mind - I'm not quite put-together enough, not quite accomplished enough, I don't have a devoted boyfriend, I'm not pretty enough... there are million things that are just a little off. I got a ton of books and a REALLY nice digital camera and all I can think about is the clothes or the albumns I don't have. I have a great job at a prestigous bank and I can think about is being father up the ladder or in a more prestigous (revenue generating) sector of the bank. I make good money for someone my age but I want to be able to invest more, travel more, have more. My friends are amazing people and I can't get myself to write them more often - I'm months late in writing some of them and I wonder sometimes why people don't call me the way they call Swati - I mean hello? I'm never around, I never write.. what do I expect? I want people to give me respect, pay me compliments, etc but I don't want to have to put in the time and do the sucky work - the same way I want to be thinner and prettier but I don't want to give up sugar to do it. I used to think I was stong, accomplished, motivated, and charismatic but I'm not. Not really. I'm laxy, chubby, bossy and I'm going though life with blinders on. I've been spoiled and all I can think of is what I am not or don't have. I feel like I've backslided terribly, regressed, become less mature, and stalled out. And rather than pick myself up and change something all I can do is hide in my apartment and wallow in self-pity and bad movies.

Christ, pull yourself together girl! You're not 17 anymore. Act like an adult! I mean, jesus...

Past Present and Future...

The PAST two weeks have been extrordinarily social and that's been really wonderful. Everything from dinners, my boss's band playing, drinks with friends, spa tubs, swank parties, meeting new people - it doesn't get much better. Now if I can just keep it going - I'm slightly scared it will all just fizzle out after New Years.

The PRESENT has brought some restlessness at work, but I will be able to address that soon. It's very clear that the people I work with: from my bosses to my traders, my coworkers and my clients all have trust in my ability and in fact believe I do a pretty good job. I'm being trusted with responsibility and relationships seem to be running smoothly. The present also brings a brief period with some downtime and my flatmate away, which honestly is nice. I will have some decompression space and some time to sleep and read and recharge. To be followed of course, by New Years at Quo... with my new digital camera...

The short term FUTURE brings a slight tightening of the monetary belt, but overall my monetary sitation seems pleasantly stable and managed. I will finally be having some substantial conversations about my immadiate career arc; somehthing I hope will settle me a bit. It also brings some time to reflect on graduate school, working abroad, changing industries, balancing a social life and exploring some other new hobbies (volunteering at a hospital maybe?).

I guess I don't have much to complain about now do I?

It's amazing who you miss and what you remember when you leave a place. It's not necessarily the people you spent the most time with or the big nights out. More often than not it's small moments, even single lines from conversation. The people and moments that leave an imprint are unexpected - not always happy - not always life changing. Some that stand out...

Sui Lau when she told me "I wish you could see how beautiful you are"
JoeyT slouching on my bed while I pack at 3am
Swati clomping around in Jax's shoes - too small for Jax too big for Swats
Starbucks comfy chairs with JonJon at 10am on Sundays
O bugers with my brother and the Pike's at 3am just before graduation
Annabeth - always smiling - and Frampy the coolest car ever
Jamie and the mountain Dew pancakes
Chad's office - all I ever heard there was good news
The night with the lollipop at Tequila Willie's
Going to Priya's for a night when I really needed some comfort
My exit interview with Klepper
Talking with my brother on the porch in CA - he wants to be a dad someday
Singing Swing Swing Swing on the way home from clubbing
Mike Olson and his tireless desire to work for Deloitte - even in bus com
Quaker steak and lube because lube is... - Dave R

Most of these probably don't make sense to anyone but me. But that's why they're my memories.

November has been quite an exhausting month. Very up and down - lots of good news and lots of could-be-better. Things are going a bit better at work - I feel a bit more confortable with what's going on and I'm getting along better with Kurt - but on the other hand I've never seen my boss so stressed out and we're working a full 6 day workweek (with long days). Opa was sick, got worse, but is now looking better. He should be released from hospital soon. My brother got mugged (he's ok). I haven't managed to lose weight or give up chocolate, but I've had the attention of two very nice guys recently. I still have that recurring nightmare though where one day they just look at me and go "this is not what I signed up for!" and bolt. Tutoring is lots of fun and it's going well - I particularly like the Ecudorian futbol player - he's really easy to talk to and really wants to learn. I could use some new good music, but that's such a small thing - there's always rediscovering old albumns to fall back on. Maybe I'm just feeling a little in a rut. What can I do to wake myself up?

Thanksgiving. One of those holidays I don't completely understand or buy into, but nevertheless am not 100% thrilled that at the moment I'll be spending it alone with blockbuster. Yeah, someone else must be in town that I know.

On a much brighter note: this week has the potential to be absolutely friggin fantastic. I've got all kinds of social plans, things are (fingers crossed) running smoothly at work and .... well... someone called me pretty. Actually, more than one person. So basically I'm glowing because well... who wouldn't be?

XXXXXX: and that picture of you...
XXXXXX: was very very cute

Yes, this would be me glowing and blushing and smiling.

You know what would be awesome? A box of clementines. I walk by them every day coming home from work and every two days they get a dollar cheaper. How cheap will they get? What if they suddenly get more expensive? It's like the stock market with small orange fruit.

Good God
You've got to think with a girl like that...
Any love at all, is better than nothing.

This is going to sound silly, but one day someone I think is incredible is going to think I'm amazing. And it makes me happy just to know that it will happen, one day. In the meantime...

She says she can find
The things that make up a life,
I bet she will.

You know those film clips you have in your head of your future? I get one of those inside smiles when I notice that yeah... sometimes my life looks exactly like those clips. The goals may change, but it's thrilling to see that you can and are reaching them - that you are making something of yourself.

I am a work in progress

It's not an excuse for imperfection, instead, it's optimistic. And truthfully, there's no point in reaching a goal without setting another one first - otherwise, well, you're nowhere.

What's the matter world
Don't you see I opened up?

While monitoring election results I found myself surfing grad school and continuing education classes. I really want to go to either Stanford or Northwestern for grad school and I'm really tempted to just apply now for next fall. The only thing stopping me is the need to get recommendations from work collegues and I don't really see that going over too well at the moment.
I'm also really frustrated that you can't take online courses or night courses in chemisty, biology, orgo, etc. You would think lots of aspiring doctors and nurses and vets would need to be able to take these through alternative means, but I can't seem to find a way to get into a class. I'll give up my weekends, nights, free time - whatever - I just have to be able to go to work during normal work hours. It's so annoying because if I wanted to think about neuroscience I'd either a) have to complete more undergrad first or b) take is as an additional or second graduate degree (assuming I can qualify)
All I want to do is take friggin chem II at night/on weekends! Why is this so tough?!

Damnit it's a good thing I don't have his phone number because I'd probably end up calling him. I don't know if that's better or worse. Painful to be told no straight up, but makes for better closure.
I can't even truthfully say I want him out of my head. Damnit damnit DAMN IT!

Going out in NYC last weekend (with the new haircut). Not a great picture... took it with my camera phone.

I heard from my mom today - she just arrived back from Holland. Tomorrow she and dad will be jetting off to Hawaii on a golf trip. Apparently my opa's operation didn't go smoothly and he almost died. It looks like he'll live, but he hasn't been released from the hospital yet. Meanwhile my oma is getting more and more demented. She can't take care of herself and with opa sick... she's undergoing an assesment now and hopefully she'll be provided a home care assistant. It seems like everytime I get news about any of my 4 grandparents it's always a little worse than last time. I don't know how much longer they'll be around.
Work has been it's own set of ups and downs with some long hours last week. With so many people on the team now you'd think there would be more time for project work, but there isn't really. Worst thing is that it's needed more than ever: our group is in some hot water and we need to really step up NOW. And that doesn't even go into the politics there, which I have managed to get completely screwed up in. I have got to learn to KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT.
Then there's Saturday night...it was such a blast, and yet, I know I'm in for a bruising. S---- apparently thought I wanted to go home with him, when I really just want to be friends. I managed to find a guy I can actually see myself committing to, A--- but he doesn't have time for a girl. I have no idea if that's true or a line because he wouldn't want me. It hardly matters though, same outcome. I've never felt that comfortable with a guy before. I've never felt that much chemistry before but clearly it's one-sided. It's not passionate, it's relaxed, content, easy - I love it. And I can't have it.

Have you ever had that sense that someone really needed you? I just got back from my first tutoring session at the International Center where I tutor ESL and I had a converstation with this really interesting Taiwanese woman. She lived in Japan, wanted to become a make-up artist, and quit school to help her family when her parents died. She's been married to an American Taiwanese man for one year and has a 6 month old child... as our conversation developed I got the sense that she just really needed to talk to someone. I don't know if she feels alone or unhappy or trapped exactly - but something in her world is definately less than optimal. I don't think she's in a very good marriage and she has so many practical obstacles in front of her before she can finish her education and become what she clearly has been trying to be for years. I'm sure I don't really have a clue what's really going on but it felt like she was desperate for someone to lean on, to support her and encourage her.
I have never cared before that I didn't have a New York phone number until today. She either has to call CT, PA, or email - but she doesn't want to share her husband's account (understandble). I just wish there was something more that I could do. Honestly, correcting her verb tense seems so insignificant when I think about what it seems like she's going through.

Ouch, I just saw my spelling of serendipitous in that last entry. Maybe I should take some remedial spelling classes...

I always say I'm going to go to bed on time and I never do. *sigh* No wonder I feel tired the second half of the week. Paul is meeting me on the train tomorrow morning, which should be interesting as I am not exactly a morning person. Day 1 of project No Chocolate is coming to a close and I must be honest and admit to eating a handful of semi sweet chocolate chips after work. Damn. *sigh* New day tomorrow, new start, and a new chance to defy expectations and actually not sucummb. Did I spell that right?
I read an article this morning in the Wall Street Journal about graduates cleaning up their speech when they join the work force. More precisely that they don't, but should. I completely agree - it was serindipitous timing because I was noticing how slangish I have let my speech become. I frequently use "he was like" in place of "he said" and I have even caught myself calling my colleagues "dude"! To my defense, they are all under 30 and we have a particularly collegiate atmosphere - nevertheless - dress (or speak) like the job you want. If I want to be successful, powerful, productive, and a repected, effective leader then I need to look, act, speak, and behave like one. I'm almost certain the CEO's, heads of desks, etc do not call eachother "dude".
I have a meeting with my mentor tomorrow - I'm hoping for her advice on starting a development journal so I can track my soft-skill improvements and be sure to have a pulse on what I'm doing well and what my weaknesses are. I'm hoping to find a mentor within operations before the end of the month - Melissa is helping me with that.
Shoot - speaking of Melissa.. I owe CO Melissa an email at absolute minimum. I have become somehow better and worse (at the same time) at keeping in touch with people! I still owe 2 Australians birthday packages (half finished) - and Priya too. And now Paul's birthday is Monday...*sigh* I'm not just playing catch up at work. Of course, if I just stopped avoiding all my everyday administration it wouldn't pile up like this. Why doesn't that lesson ever seem to sink in?
Right, I need some sleep - I need to get up for an early shower before the train.
*yawn*

Wonderful weekend, but I didn't really live in reality. Odd thing to say, but hear me out... Firstly, I spent most of it with a guy who seems to think quite highly of me. In fact, dare I say this, I think he might be going for the title of boyfriend! Not a frequent occurance for me and we'll see if I manage to pull this one off without completely screwing things up. I also got hit on by a musician (I never get randomly hit on just walking down the street!) and I was asked to be a hair model! I would have done that last one but I have work (drat). I guess my new haircut is a hit then - layers in a classic bob with some face framing angles. I also went to the Met (long overdue) and actually looked quite decent in knee high boots and a skirt on Sat night... lots of uncommonly good things basically...
Coupled with... a complete lack of anything productive. I managed to balance my checkbook incorrectly and timed a money transfer wrong by 24hrs, consequently incurring some rather sucky overdraft fees (not so clever). For the second weekend in a row I forgot to return the shirts to Brooks brothers AND I have yet to mail birthday packages owed to three people (some a month old)!
Lastly, a lot of really pleasant, long overdue phone conversations from good friends I miss a lot. Priya, James, Swati, Yan, Wil... I especially miss my girlfriends as I seem to be surrounded by boys 24/7. For a city that is majority female there is a lot of testosterone around!
Oh - did I mention flights home are booked? Yay! LA for Dec 11-18... Next on the list - plan the Thanksgiving par tay. Who's in town?

Right, so I've had a very relaxing good day, got my hair cut, and now I'm listening to the basement Jaxx while writing. It doesn't get much better. I've got plans and backup plans for tonight and I had a really good chat with my flatmate (infrequent but usually enjoyable). Basically, this is a long winded way of saying I'm in a good mood - oh - I also had a good chat with my brother (who is doing really well right now) and planned a trip to Cali to see the folks. I'm smiling in a very genuine way and it feels... content. Dare I say, optimistic?
I think this is the way I am generally, I just let ---- get the better of me. I get so caught up in it that I forget all the wonderful things in my life that should make me happy, optimistic, and confident. I need to keep that confidence, I'm no good when I get insecure.
I've discovered that I need to learn to deal with stress better. It makes me work better and work smarter, but it also had lots of detrimental effects that I never thought about before. It causes me to eat more, I sleep worse, I have elevated heart levels for long periods, and I lose some of the creative, lateral thinking that is sometimes my best asset. I need to learn to channel and manage that stress though, not necessarily eliminate it. I think maybe meditation and yoga - yeah try it before you laugh - and also being more mindful about it. Now that I'm aware of it, I can learn to make it an advantage rather than a liability.
On a slightly self-centred, egotistic note: I think in general I'm a little more self-aware than most people my age. I think I have an accurate idea of my strengths and weaknesses and I'm constantly trying to levrage that - improve things and work my assets. I went to an analytical college because I knew logical thinking was my weaker process, and it's paid off. Now it's about subtley - when to apply which skill and to what degree? For example, should I be aggressive and take the lead on something or should I try and influence others and let them step up a bit?
I have gotten a few really amazing compliments recently, and they are the kind that really stick with you. In Eksdale one of the UBS people told me that I was a really great leader and that I would go far, I was exactly what the company needed. Wow. Then Douglas, a train buddy (also at UBS) told me I have a luminecent personality - the kind that reaches out and grabs people. Double wow. I just hope I can live up to it - to their (and my) expectations. It's really arrogant, but I've always thought I would be great someday - not great like Alexander or Steve Jobs or something, but magnetic. The kind of person you just want on your team (friends wise or work wise). I think when I'm not trying to hard, I have moments when I am that person - I love this process of becomming the woman you have in your head. I love and appreciate the fact that when I look at myself, despite everything, I have a life I can be proud of. I have so many beautiful friends and I hope they can see they are the same - wonderful magnetic people who I'm glad I got to meet.

Right so I'm back from Europe (training in London) and the trip was fantastic. The people I met were really chill and fun to be around and overall the trip was really good for my morale. I think I was a bit exhausted from the effort it takes to make new friends when you move to a new city - especially when you spend 15 hrs a day working and commuting. It was nice to have two weeks with chill people, drinking wine and goofing off. Now that I'm back I realise my friendships here are getting slowly tighter and I'm a bit less afraid that I'm imposing when I called people up out of the blue. If there's one thing missing though, I still don't really have any good girlfriends here and as much as I love all the guys... sometimes a girl just needs a girltalk you know?
Interestingly enough about the London guys... Ian was very cute, but it was Karl I've ended up missing. He was really smart and completely eccentric so he was always a blast to be around.
Performace reviews are starting at work and my boss cornered me and told me she heard from other people I'm looking to leave ops. Crap. It's true and it's not. I am looking to leave, but not while it's still challenging and interesting... in any event, I don't want her of all people questioning my commitment! If I don't get above average on my PMM's I'm going to be more than a tad disgruntled. Watch me leave for front office then!
I know what else has been making me feel upset a lot and it's bad that it still has so much power over me. Will I be haunted by this for my whole life? Wow that sounds cryptic, but I'm not really opening this one up.
Can't end on that note... I need some new music, any recommendations?

Oh man - what a solidly decent day! I was busy enough at work to keep myself going but not so busy I stressed out. There was a fair amount of camaraderie and joking going on too... always a good thing. Then we went out for Ollie's leaving drinks and I had such a blast! Girl talk with Sharon - she listened when I went on about A--- and Ollie opened up about his two birds and it was just fun! The three vodka oranges and an apple martini didn't hurt by any means... And tomorrow (Thurs) we're going out again.. of course Friday cos Swati is here... Sat off to London- yay! Man, I am still buzzing, I wonder if I'll wake up with a hangover or still wobbly...:)?

Right, I'm over the whole tired bad mood thing. I've decided it's not so much about proving yourself and impressing people, it's more about simply being nice to people. So that's the new goal - play nice, be patient, and have a little fun.
I was reviewing my bloke list the other day (list of boys I've kissed - it's in my journal) and I can't complain - New York has been good to me. I was worried about what the whole concept implied, but it's kissing... its not like I'm screwing around with a trail of guys whos names I don't remember. It's all good fun, right?
I got the most killer jacket on Sunday - now I just need an opportunity to wear it. It's a motorcycle cut: white with red details. I wish I had a digital camera, it's simply cool. You wish you had this jacket.
This sounds like a frivolous entry, but it's really not: this is a shift in my thinking. This is me letting go of a lot of shit that was weighing on my shoulders. Oh - and guess who passed her exam? Yeah baby - London here I come!

Life seems to require a lot of effort right now, it's exhausting.

So some people can be really really honest in their blogs and I have to admit, I keep a journal for that stuff. There's only so much of me I'll put on public display. That being said - here's a fairly naked entry.
This weekend I was partying in Jersey with people and I had such a blast, actually the whole weekend was such a blast, not just Friday, but that's where the story is. I met a guy, not a surprise, and I ended up really liking him - big surprise. I hate how I do this. I know perfectly well I'm not going to see someone again and I'm good - I don't let things go too far - I know I'd get attached. Thing is, I've ended up attached to this guy regardless! One day someone will call me back. I'll pick the right guy or the timing will work out or whatever you want to attribute it to, but in the meantime I've got to stop thinking about him. I am such a girl.
I need a hobby. Something other than reading - I need something that will be more of an outlet because I think I'm getting all wound up. I react a lot, I've lost that buffering ability. This is probably not making any sense at all. It's like I've lost some of my internal control and in trying to get it back I end up defensive and inflexible, which only makes things worse. My girlfriend said to start meditating (I used to and stopped for no good reason) and she might have something there. I need to calm down, take a moment, and realise that I'm more than fine. My life is in really good shape.
I need to knock off the Oreos. I need to run again - I miss running. Thankfully I can still run four miles in a session and feel energized at the end, but damn if I only get to go once a week now. I should start getting myself out of the office sooner - after all, I'm in before everyone else. I should leave and get back here and run, that would be a great outlet.
Hobbies... I could revive the knitting, but how many scarves do I need? Hmmm, it needs to be non-academic so languages, maths, and such are out... drawing - I still have my charcoal and my board/pads here. If I can find some architechture and/or sculpture I could draw... no gee... where would I find that in this city ;)
Swimming! I should totally find out when the lane times are in midtown - I have a pool so I should use it! I'd love to swim actually. Since Australia I've missed the water (though I could deal without the bathing suit thing).
Swati is vetoing the dark hair. I'm still 50/50. Get your vote in before the scales tip.