Japan: Day 1: Akasaka

I managed to conduct my first transactions in Japanese. Generally these involved someone speaking to me in Japanese, me replying "Wakirimasu" [I don't understand] and then some pointing. Nonetheless, I managed to get myself some soba noodles and juice for lunch and some coffee and milk candy in the afternoon. Coffee at convenience stores here is chilled and pre-made so you basically get the equivalent of a juice box filled with coffee, a little milk, and a straw attached to the side.
I saw the Hie-Jinja shrine today, as well as the Roppongi Hills complex and some extremely strong men lifting golden cannonballs with their teeth (Click the links for pictures).
Tomorrow I'm going to head to Tsukiji [the fishmarket] and MeSci [science museum] and take a stroll through Ginza - I hear the Sony building is pretty nifty.

Tokyo, Japan

The trip started with fins that were too big. That is to say, the bag I was trying to pack my scuba gear in was too small to fit my fins and wetsuit so I had to put them in the internal frame backpack. If it weren't for the scuba gear I packed remarkably light, considering I'm going to be in Asia until December 19th.
The buses into Tokyo from the Narita airport are an amazing diplay of efficiency, though locating an ATM in the airport is somewhat less straightforward. I then managed to type in too many zeros and withdrew several hundreds of dollars by mistake, but I'll just change the Yen to Baht when I arrive in Bangkok.
Tokyo is a HUGE city. 33 million people, and not nearly as bilingual as we in the West imagine it to be. It's clean and modern though, with little police boxes on every corner.
A few observations from my first hours in the trenches:
1) The Japanese all wear suits. Even the cab drivers.
2) They have an obsession with their toilets. They all have control panels and some are even remote control. If you push the wrong button looking for flush, you'll get sprayed with warm water (bidet).
3)Have you ever seen an icefish? It's looks like a three inch long, white eel. They were on my spaghetti (I wasn't feeling adventurous yet. It was 6am my time).

More to come, without a doubt.

Better Post Soon

But in the meantime you should check out my website. I just spent two days updating all the material (which should have been spent packing).

My Website

Also, anyone who wants a postcard from SE Asia, send me your address!

Pics from my last night in NYC (which I remember none of after dinner):

:)

Every weekend seems to outdo the last. The bartender at 515 that we did shots with (and flirted with shamelessly) remembered us and did shots of Petrone with us last night. Quality. It was raining something awful and people filtered into 515 from other parties over the night, so it was a diverse cross-section of my NYC friends, made for some interesting stories to tell over brunch. I think last night was also the first time I've been genuinely hit on by middle aged men who actually think they have a chance. Eew. That would be a no. Friday night was Baker Street where the bartenders are two brillinatly fun Irish guys - Jacky saw Oasis twice, I'm so jealous! Best of the pics below... rest on the Flickr stream. Enjoy.

I love my life!

Another BRILLIANT weekend! (pictures below)
Friday - McKinsey first round interview (I looked sharp in my suit too). When I got out there was a msg on my phone to meet Cara and Eric in midtown for drinks. Off to drinks I went, where I was hit on by a lawyer. Got a msg while drinking that I made 2nd round at McKinsey!
Saturday - Got some errands done before meeting up with Cara and Eric again and heading up to Sutton Place. Pictures below are from that night. The brown-haired, blue-stripy-tie one is the one I think is hot ;) Cara played with the Captain, and the third one was so sweet (a PhD).
Sunday - Up on time to get to Long Island for tennis with Fabrice and Sarah. Great fun and fantastic to be outdoors! Back in the city for burgers and ice cream with Cara and then drinks with Justin. Drinks with Justin went well so I'll be seeing him again Wednesday - he thinks he can get me strong enough to do pull ups!
Monday - Unfortunate little trip to the dentist, but then errands (no work!) and a new shipment of wine came from dad's vineyard! My new little 12" computer came too - so I've been playing with that most of the night (so cheap, ebay rules). Eamon (stripy tie boy below) emailed me back - I swear, my stomach actually flipped!

I have Friday off (yay), although I have to go to the dentist. I can't believe how quickly time is going right now. Just as I really come into a life I love, I'm leaving :( Philly is only two hours away but honestly, it might as well be another planet. *sigh* I guess there's nothing to do but enjoy what I've got - the party girl in me gets some time to play.

Great quote from Eric - "When I was 13 I didn't care about sex, I just wanted to be a ninja."

Pictures - Captain Wood, Brian, Cara, and I


I like the one in the stripy tie ;)


Cara, Eric, and I


As always, see the flickr photostream for more.

Grumpy Nurses

Why is it that the nurses at doctor's offices are always terse and snotty? They act like you are interrupting some very delightful social party with some annoying and simplistic task. Isn't taking my blood pressure and temperature their job? Aren't they supposed to be people oriented and focused on making patients comfortable during their visit?
Despite the obnoxious nurse, I really like my Doctor. He's friendly and disarming and not at all stodgy or stand-offish. He got me through my round of preventative vaccinations and dive physical today - I have typhoid and malaria pills, along with a polio booster and the 1st Hep A shots. I already have tetnus, Hep B, menengitus, and TB, so in 6 months I'll need another Hep A and I'm set (the first one will cover me for the trip, the second locks it in for life). Basically, for the next three years (when typhois and tetnus wear off) I'll be immune to practically everything there's a shot for! Yellow fever is the exception, I think.
I also went to the dentist today (yeah, it was a "fun" day) and I have to go back! I don't mind the doctor's office and I don't mind shots and drawing blood and needles and all that, but I really have no love for the dentist. To be fair, he is a very nice dentist, I just don't like the experience of the dentist. Then again, I'm sure I'd like it even less if I needed a root canal or something awful like that (not yet thankfully!).
I'm being pretty productive (I rescued my necklace from the sink today too) and yet it still feels like there's so much to do! I need to get a place in Philadephia, I need to organise the move, pack, find storage, write Chad's rec, change addresses on all my official mail (and unofficial), cancel my gym membership, get travel and dive insurence, figure out travel between Bangkok and Koh Tao, donate to the thrift store, write McKinney, break my lease, pay bills and answer all my email. And that doesn't count all the little things that pop up all the time, but I guess I would really rather be in this (enviable) situation that stuck where I was a month and a half ago.
You know what occurred to me though? While I'm away I'm going to miss pretty much the whole holiday season. I'm going to miss Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years. I'll also miss my Dad's birthday and my parent's anniversary. I'll miss half of winter (my favourite season), Sinta Klas (Dutch holiday) and Guy Fawkes Day (English holiday).
Sometimes I can't believe I'm really doing this - I can't believe it's really me that's just walking away from my life and spending 10 weeks abroad alone and going back to school. I can't believe I'm making what simaltaneously feels like a massive leap and a natural step towards a completely different life and future. One I'm not even sure is right, just not definately wrong. I guess, for me, it's not so much that I need to get to a particular place, I just need to enjoy the journey. There are certain adjectives which need to be true for my life, certain values I hold, and I can't live a life that doesn't employ them. I cannot be unchallenged. I cannot feel there is no progress being made, and I cannot feel stationary. They are not values in the sense that people think of family, integrity, etc. but they are of the utmost importance to me. I cannot and will not live and work in a place that is not dynamic, challenging, and responsive. I will not be an undercapitalised resource. This probably makes very little sense, and may well be poorly articulated, but it's something that causes a physical, passionate response even when I just think about it. Anyway... enough. I must eat and get more done.

Another night out..

This Friday proved even bigger than last - same bars, but even more alcohol this time. I'm a little fuzzy on some of the details but I know we did shots with the bartender and the next morning I realised I had lost my earrings and sweater. Saturday also proved a big night, though I kept an eye on my alcohol levels. Carrie's friends threw a house party on their freaking amazing roofdeck - it was a blast. Photos, of course, below.
Jackie, Ivan, Joanna, and Jeff came down into the city last night too - so it was great seeing them. Sarah has arrived here for her training too so life has been full of fun social plans! It means I'm getting less done than I should be, but I'll pull it all together somehow.
Flights are booked outta here - I'll be in Japan, then Koh Tao (Thailand) and I'm hoping to make my border run into Malaysia or Burma or something similarly cool :) Oct 23 - Dec 31! I love my life right now, I cannot articulate how stupidly happy I am.
I keep meaning to write something meaningful and then never actually sitting down to pull it together. Ah well, photos will have to do!






Check the photostream (link on the navbar) for more.

Total Vanity

Had a great night last night with Cara and Eric. We drank, dressed up, went out, and loudly interacted with anyone we could! We took tons of pictures and some came out pretty well - I think I actually look good in some ;) There was a very cute guy that I really hope will call, but then, I think I've probably used up my fair share of good luck lately - my life has been awesome (Penn and Thailand here I come)! So said guy went to MIT - I think I have some kind of radar that finds the other smart, social, dorks in a room. Yay!

That annoying voice

Despite how much happier I have been of late, there is still that little voice in the back of my head. The one that wonders if I'm doing the right thing or acting on some silly whim. The one that wonders it I can ever be good at anything other than business. The one that wonders if I'm jumping ship too soon. The part of me that is going to miss having an income.
Most of me though, is psyched about starting something new, about challlenge and meaning. And goodness knows I couldn't be more excited about the travel before school starts ;)

Tentative schedule...
Move into storage/registration in Philly... Oct 21
Fly to LA/ Last day of work... Oct 23
Fly to Thailand... Oct 24
Begin scuba internship... Oct 25
Internship ends/Fly back to LA...Dec 26
Fly to Philly/Move into apt... Jan 3
First day of class... Jan 9

Also got a great recommendation for the dive vacation after this one...
Blue Hole, Belize

Turmoil - in a good sense

My whole life changed in 48 hours and as a result everything is up in the air, there's tons to do, and I'm the happiest I've been in a while! I'm going back to school starting Jan 9 - Philly here I come! I have one year of post-bac at Penn, hopefully while working in the hospital and a lab, and then it's application time for a PhD or MD program.

In the meantime I'll be leaving UBS and hopefully living in Thailand for 2 - 2.5 months while getting my scuba certification. That is, my Professional Divemaster certification ;) Yay!

I'm also hoping to get on the last recruiting trip to CMU before I go so hopefully I'll see those of you in the 'burgh in late September. And I'm working on gettting to Chicago too.. Swati ; )

Of course they'll be at least a week in LA too - probably at the end of December. Anyone who doesn't have somewhere for New Years should consider coming to LA and we'll make our own party... New York has been DONE on that front.

It's been a rather social last couple of weeks which is really hurting my gym time - especially now when I have to double down! If I'm gonna live in a wetsuit for 2 months I need to start getting some serious miles in.

And now for some serious sleeping. I am bursting with happiness. It feels like anything is possible - and I'm definately feeling a little more risk prone. You know what I mean? When you do and try things you wouldn't otherwise because you're happy and excited and things are working out well?

OH Y E A H !

Just take a look at this...

Our admission committed has reviewed your application and the results of
your interview and we are pleased to offer you admission to the Post-Bac
Pre-Health Program at Penn. Congratulations!

I GOT IN!

Know what this means?

I CAN QUIT!

Another Brilliant Weekend

DC was a complete blast last weekend, and NYC/Philly was brilliant this weekend. Mike Olson came up to the City and it was so much fun - we did thai, ice cream, the city bakery, scones... it wasn't healthy but is was a lot of fun. The ice cream at Cones was great too - I had banana and hazelnut (wow!). Mike is a really great guy and it was awesome to see him again.
Philly was cool. I'd never been there before and it's really a neat city. The Penn interview went well and it looks like (fingers crossed) I could be there in January. It would take a year to complete my coursework and then I could work in a lab and get free education credits while I apply to med school. As always, it was really good seeing Priya and just being at Penn I got that feeling... that feeling that it was right. The same that I got being at CMU for the first time - a feeling I did not get when I signed up with UBS. I don't want to rush into anything, but this really does seem like a good idea, like the right thing to do, like something that will make me happy again.
Oh, and also... Kat hired someone for me to train in DI who starts on 29 Aug. Then I will move to the Index desk. At least that will make the interim more bearable. Dare I say it... I'm feeling optimistic : )

Photos from DC

http://www.flickr.com/photos/design42/

Slogging it out

I'm trying really hard to keep a positive attitude but it's tough. I know there are people in far worse situations than me and that I am lucky and should be thankful...
1) My job SUCKS. Everyday someone else jokingly says "bet you're glad you're doing this eh?" Um, if you would a bullet to the head over my job what makes you think I'm any different?
2) Writing cover letters is... less than fun. Especially since it's unlikely the 5 trillion of them I've written are actually going to get read by someone and lead to a job. Very disheartening.
3) I hate the person this is turning me into. I'm becomming bitter and angry and every time I open my mouth a torent of whining and complaining comes out. This post is a perfect example.
4) I'm tired. All the time. I want a life but I don't have the energy to live one.
5) The chances it will get better soon are small. The promotion I was going to get? There have to be people in the group to supervise and we're 6 people down and on a hiring freeze, which leads to... no chance of taking vacation because no one can cover for me. The only person at work who understands is about to leave for maturnity leave until FEBRUARY. I can't move internally because my team won't let me leave and no other team wants the bad feelings... and externally... what company really looks at the resumes they get over the internet?
6) The previous 5 points have affected my motivation and performance. Basically, I don't give a damn anymore.

I haven't felt this trapped, frustrated, angry, unchallenged, and miserable in a long time. It actually reducing me to tears annoyingly frequently and I know it's giving me a vile aura. I used to be happy and energetic and goofy - I want to be like that again. Everyone says there will be times in your career that are less than ideal - times when you don't like your work or where you live, but this is stupid. I'm MISERABLE.

Back from DC

Washington was amazing fun - it was really good to see Jax, Swats, Ivan, Zack, Dave, BBJ, Jeff, Johanna, Sarah, Charlie, and Brian again. I really miss having my friends closer, especially the girls (no offense to the boys). We didn't do much of anything - I still haven't seen any Washington momuments or sights - but it was the best weekend I've had in a long time nevertheless. The party was a riot and Jax/Ivan's place is huge!
Coming back to work today was... well it wasn't exactly fun. In fact, I was thisclose to crying by the end of the day. I was pretty bored most of the day and started applying for other jobs. My Penn interview is next Monday - school and backpacking are looking pretty good right now.

Come with me!

Ok, check through this site and tell me where you want to go. I have 22 days of vacation and damn, these are awesome!

The coolest vacations ever

On second thought, I'll go alone if I have to! I WILL get all the continents on one passport... I've got until 2012... Asia, Europe, North America and Australia down... Africa, South America, and Antarctica to go :)

What I really Want

I know EXACTLY what I want. I want to be in school again. I miss learning. I miss homework. I miss tests and grades and cramming and the thrill of wondering how I did. I miss stretching my mind around anything and everything that's interesting.
I found night classes in chemistry and lab but... they're $3700 each at Columbia. Absolute insanity. I can take a three week trip to the South Pacific for less! I found finance classes at Baruch for $850 a class and drawing classes at New School for $518... but... chem lab would be amazing, brilliant, fantastic...
I think the real reason I keep thinking of being a doctor is because it means I could go back to school for years. The same could be said for a PhD. The one problem is that I'd have to pick ONE subject. I want to take them all. Why aren't I in grad school? I am clearly meant to be an academic, so why am I out in the wide world? I mean this with all sincerity: what am I doing at a bank? And why don't I have the willpower to back away from it's outward allure? I'm so drawn in by the promise of the next step - the next achievement, but honestly, I don't want it other than to say I got it. I don't want to be an AD so much as being recognised as brilliant for becomming one so quickly.
I want to go back to school.

I could use it

Fingers crossed and knock on wood - maybe there will some good news in August. I'm bursting with all the hope.

Picked this little habit up in London... Suduko ... it's better than crosswords.

Work today was... well... while I was gone my boss gave me a completely new job. Yeah. Weird. When I left for London I was a trade support analyst and now I'm in a split role: one half data intergrity (awful) and one half project specialist (potential to be good). On balance, I'm not happy about this at all. Michelle says it's for three months maximum and she fed me a bunch of stuff about being the only one in the team who can do it, but basically, I just got handed the shittiest job in the group and the most underresourced job in the group and was told I have one week to learn all the new responsibilities. And if I'm really moved off in three months I'll be surprised - nothing ever starts or ends on time.
In response I put it all out on the table. I basically told Rocco and Michelle that I want to be promoted to supervisor and if I don't by the end of the year then I'm leaving the group. She still doesn't know I'm looking already - I don't want to be there anymore. I can't believe the desks didn't fight for me (I don't actually think they know yet) since they've all said I'm the best support they have. Well, at least I have some focus on where I'm looking to go: London, Andrew Watson, or Daniel Maury's reporting structure. It's no longer about the work I do, but the opportunities I'll get and the managers I'll have. I was naive to think that doing a sterling job anywhere helps you - you need to do a sterling job around people who aren't prone to throwing you into crappy jobs like DI. I did something similar as an intern and I was ready to slit my wrists over it. If they want to keep me from going to med school they ought to do better than this. But what choice do I have? I can't exactly tell my boss no. Besides getting low points on teamwork etc I'm pretty sure it's not a request, it's an order. Everyone has to do boring work sometimes, it's just that they don't realise that everything I've done since I got there has been mindnumbing. Man, I was feeling so positive after London, so quietly confident, and now I come back to find my boss has moved me into the crappest job in the team because everyone else is to stressy or slow to do it. This sucks. If I was average I wouldn't have to do this. Maybe I should just act stupid for a while. Being smart got me this, maybe being stupid will finally get me promoted. Ok, now I'm just whining. There's got to be a bright side to this, even if it's only that it gives me more motivation to get myself the hell outta there.

There are sights, events, and people that inspire you and change your course in life. I spent the last week in the company of Daniel Maury and I think he's one of those people for me. Many of the older people who have given me guidance have said that careers go in cycles: happy and grinding, inspired and muddling. Since school I've really been in the unhappy catagory, though recently I have begun to re-evalute my muddling label. I think there is quite a bit going on - but back to Daniel. He's the first person I've come across that I really want to work for and with, regardless of the product involved. It is exciting and inspiring to be in his company and he is a truely brilliant and charismatic man. He become an ED at 35 after running his own online trading platform business and working for Arthur Anderson and JP Morgan. Now he's in Fixed Income in UBS and I'm seriously considering looking into roles there to get into his reporting structure.
What Daniel did for me in the final review meeting, and I doubt he was aware of it, is reassure me after a year and a half of doubt, that I CAN be good at this. I will get as far and as I high as I want to go. I have the potential to do this and do it well. If he can do this - if he can be excited by his work, there must be something in this firm for me too. Hearing him say this was more powerful than hearing it from anyone else I've heard it from.

I'm in London, working at the London office - the one right by Liverpool street. A bomb went off there this morning.
They evacuated the 100 Liverpool street office, but the trading floor building, 1FA was left to continue work. We had the SkyNews channel on all day and, needless to say, trading patterns were decidely non-standard. None of the subways (tubes) were running again at the end of the day so everyone was walking across London to get home or waiting two hours for a taxi. We have work as usual tomorrow, but I imagine it will be strange. There's already an echo of uncertainty in the air about resuming normal life. Is it ok to just continue? Shouldn't there be something different, something done or said?
It's also strange how muted the world's reaction seems. I mean, six bombs which could (as it stands now) be attributed to a new sect of Al Qaeda is big news. They threatened London after Madrid was hit and it would seem they have made good on that threat, but the market is down only 1.5% and the US market rallied in the afternoon. I mean, they target the US and the whole world is in uproar, they hit Madrid or London and it's news for a day? I'm not sure exactly what I expected, but, it seems like the rest of the world is saying "gee, that's horrible" and promptly moving on.
On a different note, being in the London office has been eye-opening. The attitude and expertise is very different here and I'm learning a lot. I'm also remembering how much I miss the UK and it's renewing my desire to move back here for at least a few years. One of the traders also let it slip that he's been getting "good reports" about me. Another mentioned that when he's got new or difficult things to get done it's "sort of known to go to [me]". There's been an awfult lot of negativity about the Stamford group in general coming out of London, so it was especially nice to hear they don't see me as one of the big failures. They actually seem to think I'm going to bring the whole team up... which leads to something else I realised.
I have always paid lip service to the idea of making your whole environment better, but it really hit me today. It's not enough for me to be good at what I do - it's about making everyone around me better at what they do. Being really good, being brilliant, is the ability to bring the average up; to bring out the brilliance in everyone around them. So I guess that's my project before I find something else to do. Like get promoted. Or take a job on a desk. Or go to med school. Something is going to change by December, but until then, it's about leaving trade support better than I found it.

Quite honestly... I'm a bit drunk. Went out to Sutton Place and had three drinks? Got hit on by some strange Brazilian guys who thought Jackie was Philipino....heard a green day song.. made me miss Joey... there were Nascar highlights on the tv - even drunk it's not interesting to watch. Very strong drinks... good night! :) um... good night. haha...

Mildly amusing: What stupid people say in NYC

Some good stuff: Logic Puzzles

Had my mid year review and it was... almost what I expected. There were more compliments than I expected, to be honest. And the development points were accurate and not surprising, though teamwork was not one of them.
1) Watch my tone of voice. I come off as annoyed when I don't mean to.
2) Let people finish their questions before you answer, even if you have the right answer earlier.
The odd bit was that I was told to back off a bit. That I'm performing so well I'm not giving other people a chance and I'm covering for their laziness. Umm... huh? You want me to perform at less than peak to prove other people are doing worse than me? Hmmm.

Teaching the client service course was shot down by my boss (of course). So, things I've been offered but had to turn down because of my boss:
1) Capital Markets course (3 times)
2) Mock trading
3) Two extra days in London
4) Teaching client service courses
5) Product series lectures

On the other hand I've been productive lately... I've
1) baked bread/ bought groceries
2) cleaned my room/bathroom/kitchen
3) Finished my Penn application
4) Paid my cc/cable/electric/sa bills
5) Read the entire Harry Potter V/ ordered HP VI
6) Updated all my work projects/ cleaned my inbox
7) Created two new resume versions and 2 cover letters

Crap - I have to go in early tomorrow. Bed. Peace.

I talk a lot, but I don't really have much to say do I?

I admire those who can be so honest.

I'm pretty sure if I wrote what I was really thinking I wouldn't have any friends left. Not because I'm mean, because I'm a mess.

Mid year review - bumped to tomorrow... again.
BUT... I was asked to becoming a client service trainer, which would be pretty cool.
I also got accepted as a volunteer to at the NYU medical center so after my London trip I'll become a nurse's assistant on Saturday mornings. Being in the hospital for my interview made me want to be a doctor again - it made me want to be a part of the world. I don't really get the same feeling when I walk onto the trading floor - I just get a slight sinking feeling. I've also started realising how pointlessly trivial my job is. I mean, what's the point of trying to be an exceptional trading assistant? Everyone got along fine before I got there and will continue to do just fine when I leave.
Oh - and there's a guy from market risk at work, Lyn, and he asked to come out barhopping with me next time I went out in Stamford... which is a little strange since I swear he's in his thirites and he's an officer level above me.
I finally saw a picture of my brother's girlfriend - she's not at all what I expected. Doesn't look at all like his previous girlfriends.
The new girl I work with, Jen, is really cool. We read the same books and she's just so nice and friendly. She's exactly the kind of girl I'd love to have as a close friend - now, how do girls go about making girlfriends exactly?
My bad habits have been getting the better of me since I got back from Seattle. I've been overly honest, quite lazy, and completely lacking in motivation. It's time to kick my own butt into gear and get some things taken care of, try some of the things on my "stuff I'm interested in" list and get back to the gym now that I'm not sick anymore. Honestly, I expect so much of everyone around me and I want to be exceptional and yet all I can say I've done in the last year is complain about my job, find a drawing studio (and then never go), sign up for a road race (which I didn't run), buy some Russian books (which I haven't opened), and searched for interesting classes (which I never signed up for). Yeah, I'm exceptional alright.
I did make cinnamon bread for my traders though - that went over well.
Ok, resolutions:
1) I will go to the gym every night unless I have social plans
2) I will go to either a drawing or dance class every weekend
3) I will study Russian at least three times each week
4) I will NOT continue to eat entire boxes of wheat thins in a single sitting
One downside to the hospital volunteering thing - it means no weekend trips. If I'm expected to be there on Saturday mornings that means I can't really go gallavanting around the country every weekend. I'm sure I could get one off here and there - but they pretty much want 12 weeks consecutive service. Of course, if I do get into Penn... well I'd be leaving before 12 weeks. Scary.

Jonah found it - it's amazing: http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

Hey. So. Very long day at work. Very long. But it's over. Yay. I didn't realise how few airlines flew to Memphis, I can get to Montreal and back cheaper than Memphis. I've gotten a more urgent than usual itch to travel these days so I'm looking for the weekend trips that I can take to visit people or see new places. I need something to keep me occupied while I find a more engaging job; preferably one that requires an IQ greater than 70. I really love the people I work with and I wish that was enough. Speaking of which, it turns out that there is another CMU alum working on the cash desk not two rows from me! And, we were in the same graduation ceremony and received awards on stage at the same time. Yet, I still didn't know he existed until last Friday - crazy eh?
I'm having my mid year review at work this week - don't think it will be super surprising. I'm fairly sure I'll hear that I don't play well with others (lacks teamwork skills) but learn quickly and have ample motivation. Basically they'll say what they can't outright say - I'm not suited for a support analyst role, but would do better in "the business". But neither they (my management) nor I can outright say that I should be there and want to be there because, well, that doesn't go down so well in the logistics world. i'm quite interested to hear this boss's point of view though because I think he'll more readily critisize me than my last manager and I think I need that feedback. I think there are things I need to work on and I'm really hoping this is a constructive conversation. I also hope it will clarify what he expects of me and where he sees me heading because that's never really been out on the table so I don't know what is in store for me if I stay put.
My 3.5 mile race is Thursday but I feel like death warmed up. I might take a half day tomorrow if it's not to busy to sleep, medicate, and hopefully kick this for real. I can live with a sore throat and a cough, but the headaches, dizziness, and intermittant nausea are getting old fast. And no I'm not pregnant.
Oh, I found out what the traders call me (everyone has a nickname). My boss calls me Stefdogger (no idea where it came from) but the traders call me Ace of Mase. It could be a whole lot worse so I'll take it.
With that, off to bed.

Cold and frosty morning there's not a lot to say
About the things caught in my mind
And as the day was dawning my plane flew away
With all the things caught in my mind

So dont go away, say what you say
Say that you'll stay
Forever and a day ... In the time of my life
Cos I need more time, yes I need more time just to make things right

Damn my situation and the games I have to play
With all the things caught in my mind
Damn my education I can't find the words to say
With all the things caught in my mind

Me and you whats going on?
All we seem to know is how to show
The feelings that are wrong

It's official, all the little dramas and problems are solved! Yes! i'm not quite caught up on the To Do list, but that will come. I have to admit my dominant feeling at the moment is relief, relief and maybe just a little exhaustion.

Saw Batman, liked it. Next must see: War of the Worlds.

Life still feels like college. It doesn't feel significantly different. Is that weird? I still don't feel 23 and it's been two weeks.

The one thing that's on my mind the most I can't really write about because it's possible that people involved read this. I don't really feel like talking about work so there's not much to say.

England July 6 - 15, possibly the weekend in the middle will be spent in Prague. Should be fun :)

JP Morgan corporate challenge 3.5 mile run on Thurs, I hope I'm ready.

Work tomorrow so, peace.

It has been a very tumultuous couple of weeks and it shows no sign of slowing, especially not since it's expiration Friday this weekend! Nothing like having to work late on Friday, go in on Sunday, and be in at 6am Monday to make for a rockin weekend. Not that I should complain, after all, I'll be in LONDON from July 6th - 15th! And I may just hop a quick flight to Prague for the weekend in there ;)
Have I ever mentioned how much I dislike the medical insurance process? Well, I managed to come down with an infection (nothing serious or contagious) and went to the doctor to check it out. Challenge 1: Find a doctor, in my plan, who is open on weekends. The doctor himself was actually incredibly nice, but you have to pick up your test results in person so basically a doctor's visit is now a two weekend affair. Ok, prescription in hand I go to the 24 hour pharmacy (thank god I live in NYC) where I'm told it will only take 1/2 hr to fill the prescription. Physched I run out and grab some groceries (it's 10:30pm at this point). I get back to the pharmacy and they call my name and guess what? Apparently I have an insurance card and a prescription card and I had only brought the insurance card. So now I have to go back tomorrow with the other card in order to get the prescription and have it billed to my insurance. It seems like an awful lot of hassle for an infection who's symptoms have already cleared up.
I'm also behind on filing my bills (they are paid), writing thank you notes and bday cards (sorry Jackie), my Penn application, donating to the thirft store, and depositing checks. I'm sure there's more, I wrote a long list in my scheduler thingy. I need 48 hours to catch up with life but not this weekend... expiration Friday.
At least I'm not all flustered from the Memorial Day episode (talk about a SEVERE lapse in judgement) and my trip to Seattle anymore. I feel a bit bad because I was a total mess in Seattle and I figured I'd just pretend everything was ok and put it on hold while I was there but i don't think that worked so well (I am so transparent) and it made me feel like I'm playing catch up now. I wouldn't have traded that trip to Seattle for the world though, it was a blast. I still find it amazing (in a goood way) when I discover who my friends are when I move away from somewhere. It's usually not who you think.
Ok, I need sleep (another thing I'm behind on).

In the Wall Street Journal on Friday was an article about Asian men becomming "softer" and appearing in lipstick and cosmetic ads. What the *#$? I'm all for a step up in the presentation department, but I don't want men to lose their masculinity!

Got some nice news at work - the woman who does the index/LatAm desk wants me to work with her instead of the guy that currently does it and she may talk to my boss about it. I would love it if that happpened. It would get me a little father from Rocco and away from the guy I'm currently with. Don't get me wrong, I think he's great, very patient and really nice, but I don't share well and there's at least a little tension there. It's particularly hard because he hasn't really been there much longer than me. Enough about work.

I can't believe I'm about to be 23. I'm completely not 23 yet. I always imagined at 23 I'd be some much more together and established. Then again, I wonder if I'll ever be established, I'm fairly transient and terrible at committing. It's odd how I can be so decisive at work and so indecisive about life. I'm not afraid of mistakes at work but I'm terrified of screwing up my life. My Penn essay is half done, but I'm also making some half-hearted internal moves. I need to choose and choose soon: do I belong in business or in medicene? CEO or Doctor?

Eric moved in today and his parents are awesome. His mom is the kind of woman that adopts other people's kids and watched over them a bit. I didn't realise how without parental influence I was until I was talking to her and watching Eric with his parents. I really am totally independent. My parents don't pay for me or my things, they don't help me move, they don't manage my money, they don't do my laundry, bring me brownies, or cook me food every few weekends. I'm not saying that's any better or worse than others, just different. It's probably because I'm so far away from them, but I think I'd be like this even if they were near. For me it's just part of being an adult (still feels weird to think of myself as one).

Speaking of family I have started to come into the reality of being an older sister. For the most part James and I are just really good friends and I wouldn't have it any other way. I am so proud of my brother and I think he's an amazing man. If I wasn't related to him I would want to know him, But occasionally little moments come forward where I can do something that, to me, feels like being the older sibling. Little things. Like having dad remind him of mother's day because it means so much to mom when he remembers or offering to help him find a job (even if he doesn't want the help - which I completely understand). Dick McKinney was right, I have started to realise how amazing my own family is and what truely special people they are - I am very lucky. My mom, dad, and brother are very different people, but they are each remarkable in their own way.

Trying to hold every door open is getting exhausting. I need to start making some decisions about the path I want to take and life I want to have (the person I want to be) and let go of the rest. Passion may be a wonderful attribute, but it's time to get some focus. It just feels like there's so much at stake and reallly don't want to be wrong. I don't want to wake up in 10, 15, 30 years and wonder what the hell I've done with my life and what I've become. I want to be a person and lead a life I love and can be proud of. The thing is, I 'll never really grow up until I make this choice. I'll never settle in, move up, or become anything until I choose. I don't like being nothing, so I've got to choose SOMETHING. I feel like I'm spinning my wheels because I am. You can't move forwards until you choose a road.

Back when I was still writing regularly, about two months ago now, I thought I was more negative than I should have been. As my brother pointed out to me, it's scary watching someone who has a pretty plum set-up do nothing but complain. But when I read my friends blogs and emails, or talk to them on the phone, we're all like this. We've all graduated and become frustrated, disappointed, lonely, and in some cases, angry. In the context of the Time magazine article I have to wonder if this is a wider phenomenon - a symptom plaguing the new "twixter" class (I hate that word). What is causing this mass discontent?
By far the most common reason is a feeling of social disconnect. Either we aren't in a relationship and/or we feel we've lost the close circle of friends that was so central to our previous lives. I know I miss having my girlfriends in particular. All my life I have been surrounded predominately by males and only now do I realise how much I needed those few special women I am friends with. And yeah, it would be cool to have a boyfriend. But I'm one of those girls with personality, not stunning good looks so I'm going to have to get really desperate until some truely mediocre guy actually looks good and I settle. Oh that's a bad thought.
The next most common is our jobs. Either they are not challenging enough or they are boring, which amounts to about the same thing. I am so sick of companies telling me I need to apply for jobs on their schedule! First I have to be somewhere for a year. Then I can start applying for a first year position which would start a year from application. So I'd be in square one two years after leaving college... so I'm wasting my time in this boring idiocy they call equity derivative support? I'll put in my time but please tell me it's at least leading somewhere!
What I'm really getting at is that I don't feel so bad posting negative entry after negative entry. I don't know a lot of happy people out there in their mid-twenties and we're all feeling the same stuff. So, yeah, I'm frustrated and angry and alone too. And it sucks. I'm thinking of becomming a doctor to get away from this operations "job" but the one thing that stops me is I know how good I would be farther up in business. Can I suck it up long enough to get there? If this year is any indication, probably not. College is so free and your early twenties are so... stuck. No wonder we're miserable.

I've been more social in the last two weeks than I've been in a long time and that's a good thing, but man I am having the weirdest luck with men! J called (he was in Bali for a week) but he's not free until the weekend, which is when my parents arrive. I guess I won't actually see him until a month after we met! I went to coffee with P, but like with M I just didn't get that stomach butterfly-spark thing. I saw E at a party, completely unexpected, and found out that he's dating someone now! Talk about totally missing my chance - damn that sucks. At least I can stare at C at work for another two weeks before I move to the trading floor. I mean, I never get this much attention, but maddenly it's not quite working out - I guess that's just the ways it goes. At least I'm meeting people and having some fun.
I have finally spent some time playing with IPOD hacks and podcasting stuff. It's all very nifty and my IPOD now has my calender and sticky notes on it. Hopefully tomorrow morning I'll upload my first podcasts and try out that new trend. I love how digital, integrated, and multi-purpose everything is becomming.
You know what I wish would come back into fashion? Big ballroom dances with live bands. You know, like in the 40's with the full bands on stage and a singer and everyone jitterbugging or swirling around the floor... it would be such a fun change from sweaty people grinding against eachother in public (not that I don't enjoy a good night out clubbing) - I just think it would be wonderfully (wholesomely) fun to dance like they used to. There must be somewhere in NY, right?

I had a conversation last night with a friend that I've been ruminating over ever since. From this conversation has sprung a moment of clarity in which I was able to name something I have long known to be true of myself: I am an educational elitist. Some people pride themselves in their rare taste in music, others in fashion or athletic ability, I put my stock in education and learning.
The crux of the debate was over the idea of a the existence of a subset of the population that is more capable (smarter) than the average. What I am basically saying is that there is a small (small numbering in the hundred of thousands) group of people who are simply mentally more capable than the others. My friend believes my thinking to be dangerous and that it may prove to be my downfall (because in the arguement I indicated we are both in said subset).
While I fully agree that people's strengths lie in differing areas (people skills, language, music, athletics, art, math, etc) I also believe there are people whos ability is more fungible and applicable to the business of life and those people are then inherently more capable. I also know this sounds terribly un-PC and awfully arrogant. However, let me mention a parallel which I don't think people have such a problem with to illustrate my point.
When I was a freshman in high school my locker was immediately adjacent to the special education classroom. The adolescents in those classes ranged from "difficulty learning" to diagnosed mentallly defficient. As a society we readily accept and support those who are developmentally disabled. We do not expect them to be as capable and proficient at tasks and problems as the rest of the population and we are not cruel because of this. Yet, when I posture about the existence of people on the other end of the spectrum, the developmentally "superabled" I am now marginalising the average person; that hardly seems fair.
It is also important to note that no where have I indicated that people's worth is determined by their intelligence. I do not believe that smart people are entitled to more or worth more to society - I simply mean to point out that they exist as an identifiable group of people. After all, 80% of the population believes they are above average - some of them must be right.
I wonder then if the problem is not with pointing out the existance of those who are mentally gifted, but with my including myself in it? Is it arrogant or self-aware to place yourself in the intellgentsia? I am reminded of a scene in Good Will Hunting in which Will wants to remain a construction worker in place of becomming a mathematician. His friend considers this an insult and a waste.
It is wrong to expect too much of those who cannot perform as the rest of us, but is it not also insulting to pretend you are less than you are? We don't ask our Olympians and Oscar winners to say they are of average ability - we celebrate their talents and enjoy the fruits of their labour. Why then, is it such a taboo to admit that you're smart and want to use that talent in whatever way possible? Am I honestly a worse person for believe that I'm smart?

On the subway on the way home I was standing next to a missionary (I found this out because he started talking to me) who was only about 20. He's from Utah and is a member of the Church of Latter Day Saints. I have to admit that missionary work is something I will never understand. Belief in God is tough enough, but to try and convince others that their fundamental idea of the composition of the universe is wrong and that you are right because some man hundred of years ago thought he saw an angel and wrote a book? Not to mention that the more science reveals the more metaphoric the Bible has to become in order to remain plausible. I don't want to sound like I'm calling all people who believe in God deluded because that's certainly not what I think - just that to take that to an extreme that at 20 you'll move penniless across the country (or the world) to convince others you're right seems... well quite frankly it seems crazy or obsessive. Certainly irrational.
I got my wish and had a lot more work this week and it shows no sign of abating. Work feels better again and I feel a little more like myself. A little frustrated that the gym isn't showing results, but maybe eliminating the nightime apples and peanutbutter will help : ) For now I'm fairly content and at peace. It's nice. Oh, I did get word that my cousin is in the hospital though with two collasped lungs. I'm worried about her, she's so young (kindergarten age) and collapsed lungs are so painful. Roosie - get better!

Well my Dell died on Saturday morning so I've replaced it with an ibook. I am now one of those Mac converts and Apple can add a notch to their statistics. And yes, my love for my IPOD was a contributing factor. So far, I love the new laptop but maybe 24 hours (most of which was spent at the MOMA or eating brunch) is still too soon to call.
The MOMA, incidentally was much more accessible and interesting than I thought it would be. So was Turkish food.
Oh - nice little personal tidbit - a boy I met actually called me. 6 nights later, but he called. And I found out Jay's dating history. It's been an interesting weekend. Mike was in town.
I got some reading material on non-listed options (equityderivatives) so I guess this marks the very beginning of my transition. Hallelujah! The large slow wheels of the corporate beheamouth are starting to turn in my favour. After only two months of pure boredom (I'm very spoiled).
I'm watching the Oscars and I have to say - it's not exactlty engrossing this year. Maybe it's because I haven't seen all the movies but it's just not gripping. Maybe I'll just go back to watching West Wing episodes on DVD.... on my new ibook! Chad would be so proud. So would Jon Jon, but for different reasons....(that won't make sense to most of you). At least the Incredibles won and Michael Moore wasn't nominated. There is some sense of order in the world.
Hmm.. I don't have much to say really so.. later.

Wow, it's been a while. I guess I got a bit caught up in whatever I was doing. I've spent a fair amount of time at the libray lately practicing math for my GMAT's. I also decided, simply decided, that I'm going to have a more positive attitude and get my butt to the gym regularly. Got sidetracked today though and I'll get to that...

BUT, I want to mention I've started a second blog, Borderline, where I'm going to mouth off about stuff I'm reading. I imagine many of you will disagree with my opinions but that's the fun bit :)

Ok... why did I get sidetracked today? Because I met a boy! He's 22 and he's already got 4 degrees and he's studying for his fifth at Columbia. Talk about child prodigy. I sat down at Starbucks to pay a couple of bills while my laundry was in and ended up talking to him for quite a while. He even kept me company while the dryer finished my clothes. I really hope he calls... he was so easy to talk to. He also had me pegged in no time at all but I guess that's what happens when you talk to a physc PhD.

New music! I found some new music - finally! Thanks to Paul... Gem's album is really good and two tracks I found while surfing Itunes: Felix Da Housecat's "Sinnerman" remix and the Gotan Project Remix of "Whatever Lola Wants." Three others that haven't gotten old yet: Razorlight's "Golden Touch", Ghostwriter (remix) by RJD2, and Lazlo Bane's "Superman" (aka the Scrubs theme).

Yesterday and today were good days - I had busy days at work and worked longer hours again. It sounds counterintuitive but I much prefer those days - the long ones, when you're working even as everyone else is leaving. I *think* my manager will need to hand me a rotation date by next Friday because she's taking 2 weeks off and then she's in Zurich for a week so hopefully limbo will come to a close soon. Two of those waiting days will be in Pittsburgh so they will go by quickly.
I read an interesting article recently that said people have a limtied amount of self-control. It's based on some studies and apparently the part of your brain responsible for reigning in your impulses has a finite limit. As you use your self-control you deplete that store and you can reach a state where you have trouble restraining yourself because you physically lack the neurochemicals to do so. Now they don't mean this is a general right/wrong way, but in a not-following-the herd, not-eating the cookie way. Maybe that explains why so many people give in to their bad habits at night: smoking, drinking, eating, whatever. By the time you hit evening you've used up the control at work, dealing with people, going about your day to day.
I've been watching a lot of West Wing and it has caused two things: it makes me want to go into oratory again - both speaking and writing - and it makes me realise that it's too easy to just condemn our political system as failing or our President as stupid. It's easy to by cynical because that doesn't require thinking and studying. Yes, there are lots of problems and no, I won't like every piece of legislation and each decision made - but there's a lot of good there too. There are so many things going on there we don't think or read about, so many good intentions and so much in the system that is well-constructed. It's just too easy to condemn it based on one issue/speech/person. There is so much potential.
But yeah, I want to write. I just need to find something to write about. As always, I wouldn't mind studying either.
I found some foreign language classes on Saturdays, but they are $750 a term! And I bet it doesn't include the books!
For anyone that hasn't seen me lately - my hair is a different colour now :)

YAY YES WHOO HOO YEAH!
Guess who got her number one choice rotation! Guess who will be working on the trading desk - OTC baby! Yes, that's right. YAY! And not only that - they want me ASAP - as soon as my boss can let me go! I'm sad to leave my team but I'm really excited to try this new stuff.
And on top of that - I got to spend the train ride home talking to this really cute guy with these beautiful blue eyes. I thought he didn't want to talk to me - that he was avoiding me, but... those eyes.
Had a chat with my mentor and she's so easy to talk to, really more like a girlfriend and sometimes I just really need that. I miss you Swati, Jackie, Annabeth, and Penny. She is really supportive when I haev career crisis moments but she also does some of that girl talk about boys and as much as I love my guy friends, they do not want to hear me whine about the lack of interesting males in NYC.
Eh, I'm too excited about my rotation to really care about guys right now anyway! WHOO HOO!
Ok, of to bed with moi. It's getting late (I feel old when I look at my bedtime) and the train comes early!

Hey! It was a good day today - busy, quick, and I felt useful. It's completely true that people feel better when then feel they are useful, needed, and good at something. Unfortunately I was a bit snappy at people, patience was running low so I feel a bit bad about that.
Missed kickboxing today unfrotunately, but Alias end of third season was there! Woo hoo! Tomorrow I ask about my rotation and then Swati's in town for the weekend. Should be a good time, we'll have to see how Monday feels though....
22 felt so young today.

Yan's Birthday

Sophie and I out to Sushi

Went to the gym and did a kickboxing class today - it felt so good! Why am I surprised that things like sleep and excersize make me happier? It's not a new concept...
Rotation request at work is happening this Friday. Fingers crossed that she not only says yes, she had the headcount and will spend it on me, but also, please, could I come sooner rather than later? Oh - wouldn't that be loverly?
Kicking around the idea of the following as back-up plan: Hit the one year mark and realise hey! ibanking is not for me. Whatever shall I do? How about travel extensively and then return to school to major in biology before going on to grad school... yes, sounds good. I love the travel bit and I really love the lots of school bit. I am a Dorkus Majorus and I am ok with that :)
Little scattered at the moment. Been thinking about writing - real writing. The kind-you-try-to-get-published writing. It's probably the strongest artistic talent I have. I'd love to flatter myself and say that I could be a graphic designer but let's be real here. I have a sense of style, but that does not a creative force make. But writing I can do. Can I do it long enough and consistently enough for a book - that is a good question. Can I come up with something that remains interesting past 15 pages? How will I know if I don't try?
Oh - news. My roommate is moving in with her boyfriend when our lease is up. This means.... drumroll.... I need a new flatmate in June. Anyone moving to The City this summer?

A foreign friend of mine recently suggested that Amercian guys are some of the most curteous she had even met. At first I was taken aback because I have always thought them a bit rude to be quite honest. The thing is, that was then. That was high school and frat parties in college. Everyone is rude when they’re an adolescent. Being as asshole is a right of passage for guys just as being a relentless tease is for girls. Once we move beyond that stage though it’s true. By and large men here in America retain a sense of chivalry, even in New York City. I am encouraged through doors and elevators being held open for me. Just the other day a complete stranger gave me the last seat on a very crowded train. I was given the last spot on a packed subway this afternoon. For all the guys out there: you can act how you want in college, but shape up once you graduate because you’re playing in a new league: a league of gentlemen. And I for one appreciate it.

I left my wallet in Connecticut, or at least, I hope I did because otherwise I lost it and that would be trouble. So my Saturday consisted on tutoring (I think the Ecudorian football player is hitting on me), going to the gym, showering, and now I’m on the train to CT, to work, to rescue my wallet. I discovered it was missing when I tried to buy a salad at Pax last night. The guy gave it to me on credit – can you believe that? He told me to take it and pay him next time!

I love the train ride because I either sleep – which is wonderful in the mornings – read a really good book (I’ve been reading insatiably lately), or there are the most interesting people to watch. Right now the Russian girl next to me is on the phone – she has been for 30mins. The lasy in the fuzzy beret in front of me is pissed about it and keeps glancing back with a decidedly sour look on her face. There is a young (well, my age) black guy facing me three rows up and I think he keeps switching his stare between me and a girl opposite her. I am still surprised when people notice me. Honestly - 9 times out of 10 there are much more beautiful people around me.

I saw Ben Joseloff when I was walking to Barnes and Noble this afternoon. Ben is a guy I had a crush on my freshman year of high school in Connecticut. He was in my English and AP US History classes. By the time I realised it was him he had walked by, but even if he hadn't, what would I say? What do you say to someone you weren't really friends with five years ago?

I've been in that nothing state. Not really happy or sad. Not tired but not energetic. Definately not motiveated to do anything but not really up for nothing either. It's a very detached state and there's no real reason for it. It's a perpetual state of waiting without the anxiety of waiting, without the expectation.

I've been craving school more lately. It's not that I miss less reponsibility or a larger social life - I miss learning all the time and having more control over my own schedule. But mostly I miss leanring. I miss using my brain and struggling.

I got my performance review at work and it was pretty much what I expected. They are happy with the amount of work I do, pleasantly surprised by how quickly I learn, and slightly annoyed with how badly I play with others. I know it's a defect but I've always had an impatient streak, especially with people who can't or won't perform but directly impact my performance. Look, if you can't swim, get out of the pool.

I'm still fascinated by the fact that everyone around me assumes the same sucess for me that I assume for myself. I mean, of course I think I'll suceed - it's part of being driven. I don't expect everyone else to casually agree. I made a joke to one of the trading assistants that in 7 years I'd be running the place in and he replied, in all seriousness, that he had no doubt. My boss and his director indicate the same. Ashley as well. In fact, I have yet to meet someone who has told me I'd hit a ceiling. I'm not trying to be arrogant here, I am quite honestly completely flummoxed. I assumed it would be a battle but so far the only battle is the bureauocracy inherent in large companies.

An important question still remains: What the hell am I doing in banking?

We went to Branch for Yan's birthday on Friday and I went a bit late. I was determined to have a good night and project confidence even if I wasn't feeling it. I was sucking on a lollipop to keep myself from drinking and I saw this really cute guy a few metres away. We kept catching each other's eye but I couldn't go talk to him because a friends kept cornering me with questions. It's only today that I realised I should have whipped out my digital camera and coyly asked him to take a picture of my friends and I. I made a resolution in senior year of college to stop going after guys because I wanted to be worth coming after but it's getting me no where. Game on.

Got nothing more at the moment. Well, nothing coherant yet. So I'll leave with a random picture from playing with the digital camera. Love that thing.

I am never satisfied am I? That's not really a question, I know it's true. I am never quite the picture of myself I have in my mind - I'm not quite put-together enough, not quite accomplished enough, I don't have a devoted boyfriend, I'm not pretty enough... there are million things that are just a little off. I got a ton of books and a REALLY nice digital camera and all I can think about is the clothes or the albumns I don't have. I have a great job at a prestigous bank and I can think about is being father up the ladder or in a more prestigous (revenue generating) sector of the bank. I make good money for someone my age but I want to be able to invest more, travel more, have more. My friends are amazing people and I can't get myself to write them more often - I'm months late in writing some of them and I wonder sometimes why people don't call me the way they call Swati - I mean hello? I'm never around, I never write.. what do I expect? I want people to give me respect, pay me compliments, etc but I don't want to have to put in the time and do the sucky work - the same way I want to be thinner and prettier but I don't want to give up sugar to do it. I used to think I was stong, accomplished, motivated, and charismatic but I'm not. Not really. I'm laxy, chubby, bossy and I'm going though life with blinders on. I've been spoiled and all I can think of is what I am not or don't have. I feel like I've backslided terribly, regressed, become less mature, and stalled out. And rather than pick myself up and change something all I can do is hide in my apartment and wallow in self-pity and bad movies.

Christ, pull yourself together girl! You're not 17 anymore. Act like an adult! I mean, jesus...

Past Present and Future...

The PAST two weeks have been extrordinarily social and that's been really wonderful. Everything from dinners, my boss's band playing, drinks with friends, spa tubs, swank parties, meeting new people - it doesn't get much better. Now if I can just keep it going - I'm slightly scared it will all just fizzle out after New Years.

The PRESENT has brought some restlessness at work, but I will be able to address that soon. It's very clear that the people I work with: from my bosses to my traders, my coworkers and my clients all have trust in my ability and in fact believe I do a pretty good job. I'm being trusted with responsibility and relationships seem to be running smoothly. The present also brings a brief period with some downtime and my flatmate away, which honestly is nice. I will have some decompression space and some time to sleep and read and recharge. To be followed of course, by New Years at Quo... with my new digital camera...

The short term FUTURE brings a slight tightening of the monetary belt, but overall my monetary sitation seems pleasantly stable and managed. I will finally be having some substantial conversations about my immadiate career arc; somehthing I hope will settle me a bit. It also brings some time to reflect on graduate school, working abroad, changing industries, balancing a social life and exploring some other new hobbies (volunteering at a hospital maybe?).

I guess I don't have much to complain about now do I?

It's amazing who you miss and what you remember when you leave a place. It's not necessarily the people you spent the most time with or the big nights out. More often than not it's small moments, even single lines from conversation. The people and moments that leave an imprint are unexpected - not always happy - not always life changing. Some that stand out...

Sui Lau when she told me "I wish you could see how beautiful you are"
JoeyT slouching on my bed while I pack at 3am
Swati clomping around in Jax's shoes - too small for Jax too big for Swats
Starbucks comfy chairs with JonJon at 10am on Sundays
O bugers with my brother and the Pike's at 3am just before graduation
Annabeth - always smiling - and Frampy the coolest car ever
Jamie and the mountain Dew pancakes
Chad's office - all I ever heard there was good news
The night with the lollipop at Tequila Willie's
Going to Priya's for a night when I really needed some comfort
My exit interview with Klepper
Talking with my brother on the porch in CA - he wants to be a dad someday
Singing Swing Swing Swing on the way home from clubbing
Mike Olson and his tireless desire to work for Deloitte - even in bus com
Quaker steak and lube because lube is... - Dave R

Most of these probably don't make sense to anyone but me. But that's why they're my memories.

November has been quite an exhausting month. Very up and down - lots of good news and lots of could-be-better. Things are going a bit better at work - I feel a bit more confortable with what's going on and I'm getting along better with Kurt - but on the other hand I've never seen my boss so stressed out and we're working a full 6 day workweek (with long days). Opa was sick, got worse, but is now looking better. He should be released from hospital soon. My brother got mugged (he's ok). I haven't managed to lose weight or give up chocolate, but I've had the attention of two very nice guys recently. I still have that recurring nightmare though where one day they just look at me and go "this is not what I signed up for!" and bolt. Tutoring is lots of fun and it's going well - I particularly like the Ecudorian futbol player - he's really easy to talk to and really wants to learn. I could use some new good music, but that's such a small thing - there's always rediscovering old albumns to fall back on. Maybe I'm just feeling a little in a rut. What can I do to wake myself up?

Thanksgiving. One of those holidays I don't completely understand or buy into, but nevertheless am not 100% thrilled that at the moment I'll be spending it alone with blockbuster. Yeah, someone else must be in town that I know.

On a much brighter note: this week has the potential to be absolutely friggin fantastic. I've got all kinds of social plans, things are (fingers crossed) running smoothly at work and .... well... someone called me pretty. Actually, more than one person. So basically I'm glowing because well... who wouldn't be?

XXXXXX: and that picture of you...
XXXXXX: was very very cute

Yes, this would be me glowing and blushing and smiling.

You know what would be awesome? A box of clementines. I walk by them every day coming home from work and every two days they get a dollar cheaper. How cheap will they get? What if they suddenly get more expensive? It's like the stock market with small orange fruit.

Good God
You've got to think with a girl like that...
Any love at all, is better than nothing.

This is going to sound silly, but one day someone I think is incredible is going to think I'm amazing. And it makes me happy just to know that it will happen, one day. In the meantime...

She says she can find
The things that make up a life,
I bet she will.

You know those film clips you have in your head of your future? I get one of those inside smiles when I notice that yeah... sometimes my life looks exactly like those clips. The goals may change, but it's thrilling to see that you can and are reaching them - that you are making something of yourself.

I am a work in progress

It's not an excuse for imperfection, instead, it's optimistic. And truthfully, there's no point in reaching a goal without setting another one first - otherwise, well, you're nowhere.

What's the matter world
Don't you see I opened up?

While monitoring election results I found myself surfing grad school and continuing education classes. I really want to go to either Stanford or Northwestern for grad school and I'm really tempted to just apply now for next fall. The only thing stopping me is the need to get recommendations from work collegues and I don't really see that going over too well at the moment.
I'm also really frustrated that you can't take online courses or night courses in chemisty, biology, orgo, etc. You would think lots of aspiring doctors and nurses and vets would need to be able to take these through alternative means, but I can't seem to find a way to get into a class. I'll give up my weekends, nights, free time - whatever - I just have to be able to go to work during normal work hours. It's so annoying because if I wanted to think about neuroscience I'd either a) have to complete more undergrad first or b) take is as an additional or second graduate degree (assuming I can qualify)
All I want to do is take friggin chem II at night/on weekends! Why is this so tough?!

Damnit it's a good thing I don't have his phone number because I'd probably end up calling him. I don't know if that's better or worse. Painful to be told no straight up, but makes for better closure.
I can't even truthfully say I want him out of my head. Damnit damnit DAMN IT!

Going out in NYC last weekend (with the new haircut). Not a great picture... took it with my camera phone.

I heard from my mom today - she just arrived back from Holland. Tomorrow she and dad will be jetting off to Hawaii on a golf trip. Apparently my opa's operation didn't go smoothly and he almost died. It looks like he'll live, but he hasn't been released from the hospital yet. Meanwhile my oma is getting more and more demented. She can't take care of herself and with opa sick... she's undergoing an assesment now and hopefully she'll be provided a home care assistant. It seems like everytime I get news about any of my 4 grandparents it's always a little worse than last time. I don't know how much longer they'll be around.
Work has been it's own set of ups and downs with some long hours last week. With so many people on the team now you'd think there would be more time for project work, but there isn't really. Worst thing is that it's needed more than ever: our group is in some hot water and we need to really step up NOW. And that doesn't even go into the politics there, which I have managed to get completely screwed up in. I have got to learn to KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT.
Then there's Saturday night...it was such a blast, and yet, I know I'm in for a bruising. S---- apparently thought I wanted to go home with him, when I really just want to be friends. I managed to find a guy I can actually see myself committing to, A--- but he doesn't have time for a girl. I have no idea if that's true or a line because he wouldn't want me. It hardly matters though, same outcome. I've never felt that comfortable with a guy before. I've never felt that much chemistry before but clearly it's one-sided. It's not passionate, it's relaxed, content, easy - I love it. And I can't have it.

Have you ever had that sense that someone really needed you? I just got back from my first tutoring session at the International Center where I tutor ESL and I had a converstation with this really interesting Taiwanese woman. She lived in Japan, wanted to become a make-up artist, and quit school to help her family when her parents died. She's been married to an American Taiwanese man for one year and has a 6 month old child... as our conversation developed I got the sense that she just really needed to talk to someone. I don't know if she feels alone or unhappy or trapped exactly - but something in her world is definately less than optimal. I don't think she's in a very good marriage and she has so many practical obstacles in front of her before she can finish her education and become what she clearly has been trying to be for years. I'm sure I don't really have a clue what's really going on but it felt like she was desperate for someone to lean on, to support her and encourage her.
I have never cared before that I didn't have a New York phone number until today. She either has to call CT, PA, or email - but she doesn't want to share her husband's account (understandble). I just wish there was something more that I could do. Honestly, correcting her verb tense seems so insignificant when I think about what it seems like she's going through.

Ouch, I just saw my spelling of serendipitous in that last entry. Maybe I should take some remedial spelling classes...

I always say I'm going to go to bed on time and I never do. *sigh* No wonder I feel tired the second half of the week. Paul is meeting me on the train tomorrow morning, which should be interesting as I am not exactly a morning person. Day 1 of project No Chocolate is coming to a close and I must be honest and admit to eating a handful of semi sweet chocolate chips after work. Damn. *sigh* New day tomorrow, new start, and a new chance to defy expectations and actually not sucummb. Did I spell that right?
I read an article this morning in the Wall Street Journal about graduates cleaning up their speech when they join the work force. More precisely that they don't, but should. I completely agree - it was serindipitous timing because I was noticing how slangish I have let my speech become. I frequently use "he was like" in place of "he said" and I have even caught myself calling my colleagues "dude"! To my defense, they are all under 30 and we have a particularly collegiate atmosphere - nevertheless - dress (or speak) like the job you want. If I want to be successful, powerful, productive, and a repected, effective leader then I need to look, act, speak, and behave like one. I'm almost certain the CEO's, heads of desks, etc do not call eachother "dude".
I have a meeting with my mentor tomorrow - I'm hoping for her advice on starting a development journal so I can track my soft-skill improvements and be sure to have a pulse on what I'm doing well and what my weaknesses are. I'm hoping to find a mentor within operations before the end of the month - Melissa is helping me with that.
Shoot - speaking of Melissa.. I owe CO Melissa an email at absolute minimum. I have become somehow better and worse (at the same time) at keeping in touch with people! I still owe 2 Australians birthday packages (half finished) - and Priya too. And now Paul's birthday is Monday...*sigh* I'm not just playing catch up at work. Of course, if I just stopped avoiding all my everyday administration it wouldn't pile up like this. Why doesn't that lesson ever seem to sink in?
Right, I need some sleep - I need to get up for an early shower before the train.
*yawn*

Wonderful weekend, but I didn't really live in reality. Odd thing to say, but hear me out... Firstly, I spent most of it with a guy who seems to think quite highly of me. In fact, dare I say this, I think he might be going for the title of boyfriend! Not a frequent occurance for me and we'll see if I manage to pull this one off without completely screwing things up. I also got hit on by a musician (I never get randomly hit on just walking down the street!) and I was asked to be a hair model! I would have done that last one but I have work (drat). I guess my new haircut is a hit then - layers in a classic bob with some face framing angles. I also went to the Met (long overdue) and actually looked quite decent in knee high boots and a skirt on Sat night... lots of uncommonly good things basically...
Coupled with... a complete lack of anything productive. I managed to balance my checkbook incorrectly and timed a money transfer wrong by 24hrs, consequently incurring some rather sucky overdraft fees (not so clever). For the second weekend in a row I forgot to return the shirts to Brooks brothers AND I have yet to mail birthday packages owed to three people (some a month old)!
Lastly, a lot of really pleasant, long overdue phone conversations from good friends I miss a lot. Priya, James, Swati, Yan, Wil... I especially miss my girlfriends as I seem to be surrounded by boys 24/7. For a city that is majority female there is a lot of testosterone around!
Oh - did I mention flights home are booked? Yay! LA for Dec 11-18... Next on the list - plan the Thanksgiving par tay. Who's in town?

Right, so I've had a very relaxing good day, got my hair cut, and now I'm listening to the basement Jaxx while writing. It doesn't get much better. I've got plans and backup plans for tonight and I had a really good chat with my flatmate (infrequent but usually enjoyable). Basically, this is a long winded way of saying I'm in a good mood - oh - I also had a good chat with my brother (who is doing really well right now) and planned a trip to Cali to see the folks. I'm smiling in a very genuine way and it feels... content. Dare I say, optimistic?
I think this is the way I am generally, I just let ---- get the better of me. I get so caught up in it that I forget all the wonderful things in my life that should make me happy, optimistic, and confident. I need to keep that confidence, I'm no good when I get insecure.
I've discovered that I need to learn to deal with stress better. It makes me work better and work smarter, but it also had lots of detrimental effects that I never thought about before. It causes me to eat more, I sleep worse, I have elevated heart levels for long periods, and I lose some of the creative, lateral thinking that is sometimes my best asset. I need to learn to channel and manage that stress though, not necessarily eliminate it. I think maybe meditation and yoga - yeah try it before you laugh - and also being more mindful about it. Now that I'm aware of it, I can learn to make it an advantage rather than a liability.
On a slightly self-centred, egotistic note: I think in general I'm a little more self-aware than most people my age. I think I have an accurate idea of my strengths and weaknesses and I'm constantly trying to levrage that - improve things and work my assets. I went to an analytical college because I knew logical thinking was my weaker process, and it's paid off. Now it's about subtley - when to apply which skill and to what degree? For example, should I be aggressive and take the lead on something or should I try and influence others and let them step up a bit?
I have gotten a few really amazing compliments recently, and they are the kind that really stick with you. In Eksdale one of the UBS people told me that I was a really great leader and that I would go far, I was exactly what the company needed. Wow. Then Douglas, a train buddy (also at UBS) told me I have a luminecent personality - the kind that reaches out and grabs people. Double wow. I just hope I can live up to it - to their (and my) expectations. It's really arrogant, but I've always thought I would be great someday - not great like Alexander or Steve Jobs or something, but magnetic. The kind of person you just want on your team (friends wise or work wise). I think when I'm not trying to hard, I have moments when I am that person - I love this process of becomming the woman you have in your head. I love and appreciate the fact that when I look at myself, despite everything, I have a life I can be proud of. I have so many beautiful friends and I hope they can see they are the same - wonderful magnetic people who I'm glad I got to meet.

Right so I'm back from Europe (training in London) and the trip was fantastic. The people I met were really chill and fun to be around and overall the trip was really good for my morale. I think I was a bit exhausted from the effort it takes to make new friends when you move to a new city - especially when you spend 15 hrs a day working and commuting. It was nice to have two weeks with chill people, drinking wine and goofing off. Now that I'm back I realise my friendships here are getting slowly tighter and I'm a bit less afraid that I'm imposing when I called people up out of the blue. If there's one thing missing though, I still don't really have any good girlfriends here and as much as I love all the guys... sometimes a girl just needs a girltalk you know?
Interestingly enough about the London guys... Ian was very cute, but it was Karl I've ended up missing. He was really smart and completely eccentric so he was always a blast to be around.
Performace reviews are starting at work and my boss cornered me and told me she heard from other people I'm looking to leave ops. Crap. It's true and it's not. I am looking to leave, but not while it's still challenging and interesting... in any event, I don't want her of all people questioning my commitment! If I don't get above average on my PMM's I'm going to be more than a tad disgruntled. Watch me leave for front office then!
I know what else has been making me feel upset a lot and it's bad that it still has so much power over me. Will I be haunted by this for my whole life? Wow that sounds cryptic, but I'm not really opening this one up.
Can't end on that note... I need some new music, any recommendations?

Oh man - what a solidly decent day! I was busy enough at work to keep myself going but not so busy I stressed out. There was a fair amount of camaraderie and joking going on too... always a good thing. Then we went out for Ollie's leaving drinks and I had such a blast! Girl talk with Sharon - she listened when I went on about A--- and Ollie opened up about his two birds and it was just fun! The three vodka oranges and an apple martini didn't hurt by any means... And tomorrow (Thurs) we're going out again.. of course Friday cos Swati is here... Sat off to London- yay! Man, I am still buzzing, I wonder if I'll wake up with a hangover or still wobbly...:)?

Right, I'm over the whole tired bad mood thing. I've decided it's not so much about proving yourself and impressing people, it's more about simply being nice to people. So that's the new goal - play nice, be patient, and have a little fun.
I was reviewing my bloke list the other day (list of boys I've kissed - it's in my journal) and I can't complain - New York has been good to me. I was worried about what the whole concept implied, but it's kissing... its not like I'm screwing around with a trail of guys whos names I don't remember. It's all good fun, right?
I got the most killer jacket on Sunday - now I just need an opportunity to wear it. It's a motorcycle cut: white with red details. I wish I had a digital camera, it's simply cool. You wish you had this jacket.
This sounds like a frivolous entry, but it's really not: this is a shift in my thinking. This is me letting go of a lot of shit that was weighing on my shoulders. Oh - and guess who passed her exam? Yeah baby - London here I come!

Life seems to require a lot of effort right now, it's exhausting.

So some people can be really really honest in their blogs and I have to admit, I keep a journal for that stuff. There's only so much of me I'll put on public display. That being said - here's a fairly naked entry.
This weekend I was partying in Jersey with people and I had such a blast, actually the whole weekend was such a blast, not just Friday, but that's where the story is. I met a guy, not a surprise, and I ended up really liking him - big surprise. I hate how I do this. I know perfectly well I'm not going to see someone again and I'm good - I don't let things go too far - I know I'd get attached. Thing is, I've ended up attached to this guy regardless! One day someone will call me back. I'll pick the right guy or the timing will work out or whatever you want to attribute it to, but in the meantime I've got to stop thinking about him. I am such a girl.
I need a hobby. Something other than reading - I need something that will be more of an outlet because I think I'm getting all wound up. I react a lot, I've lost that buffering ability. This is probably not making any sense at all. It's like I've lost some of my internal control and in trying to get it back I end up defensive and inflexible, which only makes things worse. My girlfriend said to start meditating (I used to and stopped for no good reason) and she might have something there. I need to calm down, take a moment, and realise that I'm more than fine. My life is in really good shape.
I need to knock off the Oreos. I need to run again - I miss running. Thankfully I can still run four miles in a session and feel energized at the end, but damn if I only get to go once a week now. I should start getting myself out of the office sooner - after all, I'm in before everyone else. I should leave and get back here and run, that would be a great outlet.
Hobbies... I could revive the knitting, but how many scarves do I need? Hmmm, it needs to be non-academic so languages, maths, and such are out... drawing - I still have my charcoal and my board/pads here. If I can find some architechture and/or sculpture I could draw... no gee... where would I find that in this city ;)
Swimming! I should totally find out when the lane times are in midtown - I have a pool so I should use it! I'd love to swim actually. Since Australia I've missed the water (though I could deal without the bathing suit thing).
Swati is vetoing the dark hair. I'm still 50/50. Get your vote in before the scales tip.

I FAILED my exam today. Yes, me. I failed. I FAILED. As in, did not pass. I don't "do" failing. Except for the part where I just did. And then I had to go straight to work and solve a sh*t show of issues as if I wasn't affected at all by what had just happened. Being an adult sucks big time. I really wanted to just bitch or indulge in some pissy self-pity - at least deal with the fact I had just FAILED and my London trip was in jeapordy! Then Ollie comes in a HALF day late and starts acting like he owns all those accounts and issues I've been dealing with all day - we both control freaks and we both feel like we own the job we're basically sharing. It makes for some friction on occasion. My solution to the whole crappy day was to each chocolate ice cream, sushi, then yogurt with granola. In other words a ton of food I really didn't need. I've already bloated from having a friggin desk job and now I'm binging over some crap unfair test.... arg! This was NOT MY DAY.
Tomorrow, if all goes well, I'm going to see Brooklyn for the first time so hopefully that will make life better. Also, my girl is coming in this weekend.
I need a good day, and I a good night's sleep. I need more time to go running (and I wouldn't mind a faster metabolism). I've been doing this for 7 weeks and I'm burning out already: how crap is that. Maybe it's just my mood.
Here's looking forward to cold weather. I think when the season turns I'll dye my hair dark. I've been itching too for a while now.
- - - BLAH - - -

Right, so no dates to report so don't get excited.
I have found it interesting to realise though, that this is the first move since I left England where I palpably miss my friends. When I went out this weekend (I had a blast) but there was a hole where my girlfriends were. It is really is much harder to make girlfriends that guy friends. Although right now I'd love to have a group of guys to watch football with or hit up bars after work. I have people I hang out with on the weekends and the friendships are growing but it's a slow process.
I bought the DVD Underworld today - I love Kate Beckinsdale in this movie. There are a few people from the movies whom I would love to be like:
a) Kate Beckinsdale from Underworld
b) Rene Russo in Thomas Crown Affair
c) Lara Croft in Tomb Raider
I'm thinking of dying my hair dark - I've done this before, but whenever I mention it people always tell me not to. People spend a fortune trying to get my natural colour and I want to change it. But I think there's something really beautiful about pale skin, blue eyes, and dark hair. It's also the longest it's been in 8 years right now and soon I'm going to trim it.... shoulder length is sufficient I think. Enough about hair.
I've been thinking about boys a lot lately, it's been coming up a lot with friends. Some are about to be groomsmen, some are moving in with their other halves, etc. When I think about it I'm very torn. On the one hand I really want that love - that love that people write songs about, but on the other.... on the other I'm so skittish. Commitment is very difficult for me because , well probably because I'm picky but also because I end up with bad guys.
It's amazing how it is so universal for all women. We chat with our girlfriends and vow to not put up with assholes any more and I'm sure there is some male equivalent. No more demanding women, or maybe no more ditzy ones. When I look at my mom and my dad I realise that ultimately, whatever guy I'm with is going to have to be very patient and willing to compromise. I'm just like my father - I won't give up my independence. And yet I don't want to be the dominant one in a relationship... ah, the contradictions.
Enough about boys.
I got sushi for lunch tomorrow - should be good. Right, off to well, to do nothing productive.

I was just reading someone else's blog and it reminded me I haven't posted in mine for ages. So here we go.
I can feel some of my fears about my NY life coming true. I am getting all caught up in my work and where I want my career to go and I don't think that's all bad, but I'm getting more worried that I won't put priority on my extended travel plans and I'll lose some of that perspective I gained in Australia. On the other hand, I have an exam on August 31st and I have done exactly no homework sheets. Textbooks completed: 0 Textbook still to do: 3. Wow, I am so on top of it. To be fair, I've been pulling long hours (partly by choice) and have landed myself on some really cool projects: the power of process initiative and the risk control project team. I can't really be specific (confidentiality) but sufficed to say it's a lot more interesting than payment investigations and babysitting trades.
The second fear was about the non-work life. I go through cycles of trying to be social and then end up hibernating for a few days. In many ways this is a really impenetrable city - I don't know how I would have faired if people I know weren't already here or didn't move here around the same time. Even with those people I miss my girlfriends - I miss the guys I went to football and beer with. All those little things I don't have here yet. I know... give it time.
I have started dating a bit though and that's been interesting! I should log them all here or something... can you imagine if one of them read it and got upset? So let's catch up to where we are currently, and all future dates will be at least mentioned. I mean really, everyone loves reading this stuff...
Guy 1 - Went to a friends party before she went away to Europe for Opera. After the party Guy 1, a girl and I hit up some midtown bars. Night ended up with Guy 1 asking for my phone number (4th guy that night), got a good night kiss, and then never heard from him again. Oh well.
Guy 2 - Never actually went on a date with him because he was a cop from Queens and completely uninteresting. Had nothing to say which just leads to lots of awkward pauses you know?
Guy 3 - Personal Trainer at my gym asked me out. That was a no.
Guy 4 - French guy (friend of a coworker) who bought me my first congac at Pastis in the meatpacking district. Quite a bit of kissing ensued, but declined the invite to his place. Not that kind of girl no matter how charming you are. He's in France until sometime in September, but I imagine he'll have forgotten all about me by the time he returns.
Guy 5 - Ibanker I went to dinner with and then drinks. Very nice but a little intense, I have a feeling I scare easily.
My friends tell me to stop coming up with excuses and just try sticking to one guy for a while. I haven't passed the 6 month mark yet with anyone, but can't that also just be I haven't met anyone worth more than 6 months? Actually I have, but I moved away from one (Tom) and the other wouldn't have me (sad for me).
Ok, that's quite enough of my personal life out there as a matter of public record.

Is there such a thing as the potential for intelligence? In other words, are some people just more capable that others? Concurrently then, is there such a concept as the fungability of intelligence? Are some people better at translating their potential into different forms (good with people, common sense, academic ability, logic puzzles, etc) or do they simply possess high levels of multiple intelligences?
I think anyone that has worked really hard for ages at something only to watch someone just glance at it and "get it" feels like they are less capable than the other. Is that really a difference in intelligence levels?
How often to we confuse extroversion intuition, and ambition with intelligence?  How do we usually measure how smart the people we meet are? I mean, we're not exaclty carrying around IQ score cards in our wallets...
I, and many will disagree, believe that people are born with certain limits; intelligence included. We don't consider it mean to say that some people are more athlectically gifted: that I will never, no matter how much I work at it, be able to play in the WNBA. Why then, are we reluctant to admit that some people, no matter how hard they work, will ever play in the MENSA league? I further believe that the fungability of intelligence is a different quality than intelligence. Some of the smartest people in the world will never translate that pure logic into gifted social interaction - their intelligence comes in limited form. On the other hand, there are people who are moderately smart at almost anything they try. They have an intelligence level of "moderately smart" and a fungability level of "high". They are in essense, less intelligent than our mathmetician example, but more adaptable. I leave it to you to decide which quality you find more desirable.
 
I've been at the job for a week and a half now and I'm actually liking it. We'll see how it is in a year though - I think I'd like to move a little front office from where I am. It's a good place to start and the people are really really wonderful. Work is pretty much sorted, so now it's a matter of creating the rest of my life. Friends, activities, things like that. I get occasional things to do with the people I meet at work, but I don't think I really know how to make friends. It tends to feel like imposing. I guess I'm going to have to get over that. I should join some kind of club or something here in NY - and there's the gym. Do people really meet at gyms?